Nintendo Replayed: Super Mario Brothers

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 5/13/08] 

We come to the end of this feature with the best game of all time. Mario's status as Nintendo's mascot has gone beyond that of any other video game character. The sequels have gone to 16-bit to 64-bit 3-D. The spin-offs have had Mario do everything from play baseball to teach typing. Even with all that has come since, there is absolutely nothing like going back and playing the original. It may not be as complex as the successors, but the elegance and perfection are unmatched. Amazingly, I beat it on my first try. I haven't beaten this game in 10 years, and it feels frickin' good.

Nintendo Replayed: Mega Man 2

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/29/08] 

I have played every Mega Man game. This is the only one I wanted to play more than once. Mega Man X gets a distant second. Everything about this game worked: level design, boss battles with the perfect level of difficulty, and the best 8-bit score ever. Zelda had the best song, but overall, beginning to end, Mega Man 2 has the best music. Even though I never beat the final boss, that doesn't mean I love it any less.

And yes, I can play Bubbleman's theme on guitar, so my life's pretty sweet right now.

Nintendo Replayed: Win, Lose, or Draw

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/22/08] 

While you and your friends were laughing at a hilarious video game mis-translation that would become one of the internet's biggest meme's, my friends and I were laughing at a piece of Engrish that makes "All your base are belong to us" look almost understandable.

The game show "Win, Lose, or Draw" was basically just Pictionary, with celebrities sometimes. I don't know if you've ever tried drawing pictures with a Nintendo controller, you can imagine how it feels when your team actually gets one right. Luckily, the on-screen players do the celebrating for you. In hilarious word bubbles, your teams exclaim:

"Super"
"Very Special"
"Hairy"

That's right. That was not a typo on my end. Did they mean "hooray"? Is there something in Japan where hairiness is a measurement of celebration? Look, we were 7, it was hilarious.

This all raises the question of why I owned this game. I'd say my parents were trying to educate my sisters and me, and this falls roughly into the "Wheel of Fortune" level of brain gymnastics.

Nintendo Replayed: Tetris

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/15/08] 

This is one of the best games of all time? Really? As far as I'm concerned, it has the following strikes against it:

-- It's boring
-- It's repetitive
-- The flashies give me a headache

Oh yeah, and

-- My mom likes it.

I just don't get it.

I Too Dislike Shaquille O'Neal

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 1/7/08] 

Spend enough time on the internet and you'll find a lot of people have a severe distaste for Shaq. It could be that ridiculous term "Shaq Attack." Maybe it's the rap albums, even the "Best Of..." rap album. Could be it's the utter failure of such cinematic abortions as "Blue Chips" and "Kazaam" and "Steel." The best possibility is that darkest of dark moments in video game history, "Shaq Fu."

Personally, my problem with him is that he's not THAT good a basketball player.  Look, I remember his all-star rookie game. The ball bounced so high, no one else could get to it, but Shaq just reached out and palmed it. That was fucking cool. For the rest of his career, though, he wasn't quite as good as Kobe or LeBron. With all the hype he gets, you'd think he was the next Michael Jordan.

The difference is MJ became the best basketball player in the world BEFORE he sold out his image. Maybe if Shaq had spent more time learning to be a better basketball player and less time on selling out, the internet wouldn't hate him so much. Just a thought.

Stove Top vs. Potatoes?

 [originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 11/21/07]

Just food for thought. Why did Stove Top position itself as the anti-potato? Wouldn’t Stove Top’s competitors be other brands of stuffing? Personally, I like Pepperidge Farm, but I digress. Why stop at potatoes?

"Your mom’s serving Stove Top?!?!? Mine’s serving soy curd. Lame"

Nintendo Replayed: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/8/08] 

Bad mouth this game all you want; I enjoy the hell out of it. Anyone who talks shit on it needs to admit they just suck at it. I was watching one review where the guy asked why you could only play as Leonardo. Dude, hit Start then Up or Down. That is the game's coolest feature.

Even though it's a one-player game, you can switch from turtle to turtle. Want to do a lot of damage quickly? Donatello. Want to take out a lot of bad guys quickly? Leonardo. Want to go on a suicide mission where you barrel through a dangerous level, leaving a useful turtle with plenty of life at the end? Raphael or Michelangelo, either is expendable.

My only real problem with this game is one, single jump. No kidding, one jump. The pit is too wide and there's an overhang just low enough. Luckily, the pit takes you into a sewer that brings you to the start of the level instead of killing you. That's how I would play this game. I'd beat level after level then play this one level over and over. I'd highly recommend you play, and if you get past this jump, you're a better man than I.

No Kidding, There is One Good Goo Goo Dolls Song

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 10/9/07]

The Goo Goo Dolls, the band that brought us the song that refused to die, Iris, has made a career out of soft, inoffensive rock songs. They’re known for acoustic guitars and lyrics about non-existent women. It’s true. Iris isn’t even a real person, nor is Mae from Slide. The Goo boys may act like hard, dirty alt-rock starts, but their music is slathered in vagina.

Surprisingly though, hidden amongst the pussy music is a lone song with some balls. "Long Way Down" has some real power to it. There’s no doubt it’s a spineless Goo song, but it’s almost real, driving rock. I’m serious. Take a listen. I guarantee it doesn’t completely suck.

Listen - Long Way Down

Nintendo Replayed: Wheel of Fortune

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/1/08] 

The same Hanukkah's eve we got our Nintendo, my parents included Wheel of Fortune. I can only assume it's because they thought my sisters and I are stupid. Without exception, everything is wrong with this game. Putting aside the idiocy of the game show, the game play is just weird. The puzzles in the final round are too long and they don't give you the luxury of R S T L N E. The 8-bit Vanna looks chubby, and computer players are about as dumb as the average Wheel of Fortune contestant. So you get lots of playing time, but for what purpose? If you solve the impossibly hard final puzzle, you win a prize you'll never actually get. Fun!

An Open Letter to ExtenZe, for Natural Male Enhancement

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 6/25/08]

Dear ExtenZe,

Since the popularity of Viagara, many pills have come out on the market with the goal of improving upon the rather perfect male organ, the penis. My experience with these pills comes solely from their marketing, and I have to say your product has possibly the worst marketing I've ever seen. The video below is simply one bland installment of an abysmal publicity campaign.




First off, the name Extenze is enough on the nose, why the odd capitalization? Were you afraid of being confused with Enzyte, whose marketing campaign based off fifties sitcomes is possibly the most brilliantly hilarious thing ever? I imagine you went with the odd capitalization - ExtenZe - to make people think of the late 90s sci-fi movie ExistenZ. This makes absolutely no sense because ExistenZ is based around a device that looks like a vagina, not penis. There is nothing vaginal about dick pills. Were you trying to be hip, ten years ago?

Secondly, there is no reason for everyone in your infomercial to talk about "that certain part of the male body." I will now capitalize this next part so you don't miss it. THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY IS CALLED A PENIS. There, I said it. I've said it a few times now. Penis, penis, penis. Medical shows say it all the time because it's a medical term. Penis, vagina, these are okay words when discussing medications. I would understand if a few of the characters were sheepish about the word, but the bimbos say it, the himbos say it, even the fucking doctor says it. Stop beating around the bush and tell me your pill, based somehow on a Jennifer Jason Leigh movie, is gonna make my cock bigger.

And finally, unlike the Enzyte commercials, whose subtle humor would make any intelligent man give your pill a second though, you've decided to go the idiot route. Your commercials and infomercials present this problem as though we've never thought of it before. Seriously, did you think guys weren't aware that women want bigger penises? We don't need man on the street interviews, testimonials, and fake talk show setups to learn this. I think your entire ad campaign is directed at morons, which begs the question, why the fuck would you want idiots procreating? It make more sense to make stupid people sterile. Let the dumb people peter out, so we can birth more people to take over the male enhancement field when your dumb asses are all dead from your post-retirement group orgies. I don't even need a conclusion. Just take an Enztye commercial in your idiot faces. They know how to market a dick pill.

Mama Gump Was a Whore

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 6/4/08] 

Whore is putting it lightly. She was just sort of an all-around bad person. Undoubtedly, she was a good mother, but so was Norman Bates' mama. She surely loved Forrest, and she was always building up his retarded, little self-esteem and making him think people would accept him into society. How fucking sweet. As an adult, I can see more clearly that she's just an all-around immoral person.

Exhibit A - Remember that scene where she fucked the school master to get him into a regular school? As a kid, I didn't know that that noise was, but young Forrest was able to ape the noise back to her. That means not only did she fuck her son into school, she did it where her son could hear it.

Exhibit B - Remember when she convinced Forrest to lie about the ping-pong paddle he preferred to play with in order to get all that money from the ping-pong paddle people?

This is the same woman who brought us such incomprehensibly vague nuggets of wisdom as "Life is like a box of chocolates" and "Stupid is as stupid does." With these sort of inconsistencies, it's no wonder he ended up with the premier coke whore of the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Repeat after me: Freud. I guess deep down in side we all want to marry our mothers, by which I mean dirty whores. (I love you, mom.)

Nintendo Replayed: Duck Hunt

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/25/08] 

Exactly as expected, shooting at digital animals never gets old. The kid in me gets a great deal of glee out watching those ducks have what looks like a nervous breakdown every time they get shot. That kid also loves using the controller to mess with the ducks' flight path while my friends aim the zapper.

The Eliminator vs. The Agro Crag

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 10/26/07]

Exhibit A: American Gladiators

Contenders ready! Gladiators ready! Go!

Just watching American Gladiators qualifies as a calorie-burning activity. Joe Whatever from your local gym competes against a world-class bodybuilder, who gets paid to beat the shit out of the Joe Whatevers of the world. Nowhere else was the ferocity more apparent than the mother of all obstacle courses: The Eliminator.

Named for Charlie Sheen’s curve ball in Major League 2, The Eliminator was a basic training course with a case of ‘roid rage, manned by Gladiators just itching to enforce the 7-second penalty. The modern Eliminator got even more intense by not only making the course longer, but by putting the incline treadmill at the end, where you barely have the energy to stand, let alone climb. Intense!

Exhibit B: Guts

Do-do-do-do you have it? GUTS!

As kids we either had WB’s lame-ass Gladiators for Kids, or Nickelodeon’s extreme kid Olympic competition, Guts. Even those of us that could barely muster the energy for gym class wanted to be on this show. They took regular games, and added bungee cords. My cheap-ass school said it was too expensive to install the rigging in the gymnasium. Fuck those guys.

The peak of Guts supremacy was when Mo (oh, Mo. My first love…) announced the start of the Agro Crag. This foam mountain was so cool that first prize was actually a piece of it. To win, you had to navigate confetti, Styrofoam rocks, um…

Conclusion: Yeah, maybe if they parked a couple Gladiators at the summit, the Crag could measure up. The Eliminator kicks the Crags ass any day of the week, then comes back the next day to thrash it while it’s in traction. Come to think of it, though. Maybe they should bring back Guts, with Gladiators. I should pitch that to Nickelodeon. Anyone have any connections?

Gimp Was So Fucking Cool

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 10/19/07]

Let me take you back to the summer of 1990, Oak Hill Day Camp. A fad is about to sweep across the grounds. One day we’re obsessed with baseball and basketball, the next day we’re in circling trying to figure out the cobra stitch. No, the fad wasn’t latent homosexuality, it was GIMP. People have been trying to get boys to sew or knit for years, and these little plastic strands held our attention all summer. And I sucked at it.

I nailed the zipper stitch fine. That was more like braiding for retarded people. With the more complicated stuff, I just went cross-eyed. While the cool kids made complex, multi-colored strands of awesome, I just sat in the corner braiding my black and white gimp. That’s right, I couldn’t even handle color.

For the slickest of the slick, gimp was a guy’s first foray into cheap gift giving. A dude has his eye on a girl from the other side of camp, so he steals some gimp from arts and crafts and boom, instant bracelet. Immediate love connection. I mean, when his bros were around, he’d whip a bombardment ball at her head, but while she was wearing his gimp bracelet, which he made with his own two hands, she knew how he really felt. It must have been for real. He used pink and red. He couldn’t have just guessed her favorite gimp colors. Could he?

God, it’s just so much fun to say. Gimp gimp gimp gimp gimp.

Nintendo Replayed: Double Dragon 2

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/18/08]

I grew up with this guy named John-Michael. He read every comic book, beat every video game, and saw every horror movie we weren't supposed to see at that age. My proudest moment was when I said I had beaten Double Dragon 2, and he told me he hadn't. A better friend would have revealed my secret to beating the game, but I didn't.

Playing it again now, I still kick this game's ass. In fact, I believe myself to be the greatest Double Dragon 2 player of all time. You doubt? I challenge you to a game on 2 Player B. I will kick your ass and take your lives. That's right. My secret is I kill my own brother and take his lives. You'd be amazed how easy the game is with 6 lives. And no, I don't consider this cheating. I discovered this on my own, without the aid of the internet, or even Nintendo Power magazine. Suck it.

Flashback Summer 1992: Rufio Was the Fucking Man

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/31/08] 

"Hook" came out Christmas 1991, but the sheer coolness of Rufio lasted all the way into the summer. We all held that feeling inside, so we could turn summer camp into our own version of Neverland. The cool kids all tried to make themselves more like Rufio. My adult self can totally look past how he turned beautiful Neverland into a basketball skate park and introduced the wholly unnecessary catch-all term "bangerang." I can forgive the red, frosted triple mohawk, and that he's pretty much a total dick. I've almost completely forgot that he stupidly tried to take on Captain Hook on his own and his last words were pretty lame. Why can I just let this all go?

He was fucking RU. FI. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Poor Jake Busey

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 8/5/08] 

Gary Busey's your father. Sweet deal, right? No.

Think of all the embarrassing things your father's ever done, all those jokes, all those horrible moments that ruined your social life. Now imagine your father is Gary Busey. I'm talking post brain injury Busey.

Think about it. Gary Busey screaming from the stands at your little league game. If he's not drunk, he's still bat shit crazy. Now imagine he's not at your game, he's on national TV, letting it all out on "Celebrity Fit Club" or "I'm With Busey." You share his last name, so everyone thinks you're crazy too. Oh, and you share a couple chromosomes with him, so you probably are crazy.

Poor guy.

Nintendo Replayed: Kid Icarus

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/11/08] 

I only played this game a few times. Why? Kid Icarus was on Captain N, so clearly he's an important video game character. So why did I only play a few times? Or right, this game sucks. It's a platformer that goes up instead of left or right. Great. As the screen travels up, if you manage to fall off the bottom, you die, even though Pit has wings and there was definitely a floor down there before. I know, I killed some dudes down there. But ooh, it came with a password pack. Woop dee doo.

Second-Hand Smoke Can Be Deadly... To Captain Planet

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 9/3/07]

Close your eyes. Imagine it’s 15 years before "An Inconvenient Truth." You work for a big production company and you’re developing a cartoon to educate kids about living green. You get up to pitch Captain Planet, and everyone gets excited. Toward the end of your presentation, the boss asks a key question, "Superman’s got kryptonite. What’s this guy’s weakness?"

You gather up your nervous energy and proudly announce to the room, "Pollution."

OPEN YOUR EYES

You’ve just imagined yourself answering a question I can assume was never asked. Someone actually signed off on a super hero who fights pollution and whose only weakness is said pollution. The man can’t clean up toxic waste with his bare hands if he has to worry about getting even a little on himself. In fact, he is more vulnerable to pollution than the planeteers. I guess we can’t expect much more from the guy who came up with that lame heart kid.

For further proof that Captain Planet’s a lame ass, enjoy this short skit I’ve written:

INT. DR. BLIGHT’S LAB — DAY

CAPTAIN PLANET smashes through the wall and comes face to face with the unconcerned DR. BLIGHT. She stands confidently, arms clasped behind her back.

CAPTAIN PLANET
Game over, Dr. Blight. Your plan to 

reverse the North Atlantic Current 

has failed.

DR. BLIGHT
But you see, Planet, that was only 

the beginning of my master scheme.

Dr. Blight brings her arms forward to reveal a lit cigarette.

DR. BLIGHT (CONT’D)
You see, Planet, even in this well 

ventilated room, this tiny amount of 

second-hand smoke will be enough
to take you down.

CAPTAIN PLANET
Oh no. Unfiltered.

Before he can react, Dr. Blight blows smoke in Captain Planet’s face.

He fucking dies.

Maybe if they had caught this tiny detail early on, they would have also noticed other problems in the show, like how it teaches next to nothing about eco-friendly behavior.

"Livin' La Vida Loca" Has the Power to Heal

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/17/08] 

Let's break down catchy songs into two categories.

A) That annoying song they play on the radio over and over again all summer that gets permanently jammed into your head, with no chance of getting it out.

B) A poppy song that you love, that you have to listen to over and over again, that you end up hating for life because it won't ever get out of your head.

That's where "Livin La Vida Loca" comes in. You take a type A song and use it to force out a type B song. No song is more type A than this Ricky Martin classic of crap. Just hum the first few trumpet notes and it's right there back in your head. Just reading this, it's already creeping its way in.

No doubt, you're already pissed you have to now listen to this over and over again as it runs on loop in your frontal lobe. On the plus side, you've probably forgotten that type B song you were trying to get rid of before. It's worth it.