Saturday, August 21, 2010

An Open Letter to ExtenZe, for Natural Male Enhancement

[originally written for on 6/25/08]

Dear ExtenZe,

Since the popularity of Viagara, many pills have come out on the market with the goal of improving upon the rather perfect male organ, the penis. My experience with these pills comes solely from their marketing, and I have to say your product has possibly the worst marketing I've ever seen. The video below is simply one bland installment of an abysmal publicity campaign.

First off, the name Extenze is enough on the nose, why the odd capitalization? Were you afraid of being confused with Enzyte, whose marketing campaign based off fifties sitcomes is possibly the most brilliantly hilarious thing ever? I imagine you went with the odd capitalization - ExtenZe - to make people think of the late 90s sci-fi movie ExistenZ. This makes absolutely no sense because ExistenZ is based around a device that looks like a vagina, not penis. There is nothing vaginal about dick pills. Were you trying to be hip, ten years ago?

Secondly, there is no reason for everyone in your infomercial to talk about "that certain part of the male body." I will now capitalize this next part so you don't miss it. THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY IS CALLED A PENIS. There, I said it. I've said it a few times now. Penis, penis, penis. Medical shows say it all the time because it's a medical term. Penis, vagina, these are okay words when discussing medications. I would understand if a few of the characters were sheepish about the word, but the bimbos say it, the himbos say it, even the fucking doctor says it. Stop beating around the bush and tell me your pill, based somehow on a Jennifer Jason Leigh movie, is gonna make my cock bigger.

And finally, unlike the Enzyte commercials, whose subtle humor would make any intelligent man give your pill a second though, you've decided to go the idiot route. Your commercials and infomercials present this problem as though we've never thought of it before. Seriously, did you think guys weren't aware that women want bigger penises? We don't need man on the street interviews, testimonials, and fake talk show setups to learn this. I think your entire ad campaign is directed at morons, which begs the question, why the fuck would you want idiots procreating? It make more sense to make stupid people sterile. Let the dumb people peter out, so we can birth more people to take over the male enhancement field when your dumb asses are all dead from your post-retirement group orgies. I don't even need a conclusion. Just take an Enztye commercial in your idiot faces. They know how to market a dick pill.

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