Nintendo Replayed: Super Mario Brothers

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 5/13/08] 

We come to the end of this feature with the best game of all time. Mario's status as Nintendo's mascot has gone beyond that of any other video game character. The sequels have gone to 16-bit to 64-bit 3-D. The spin-offs have had Mario do everything from play baseball to teach typing. Even with all that has come since, there is absolutely nothing like going back and playing the original. It may not be as complex as the successors, but the elegance and perfection are unmatched. Amazingly, I beat it on my first try. I haven't beaten this game in 10 years, and it feels frickin' good.

Nintendo Replayed: Mega Man 2

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/29/08] 

I have played every Mega Man game. This is the only one I wanted to play more than once. Mega Man X gets a distant second. Everything about this game worked: level design, boss battles with the perfect level of difficulty, and the best 8-bit score ever. Zelda had the best song, but overall, beginning to end, Mega Man 2 has the best music. Even though I never beat the final boss, that doesn't mean I love it any less.

And yes, I can play Bubbleman's theme on guitar, so my life's pretty sweet right now.

Nintendo Replayed: Win, Lose, or Draw

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/22/08] 

While you and your friends were laughing at a hilarious video game mis-translation that would become one of the internet's biggest meme's, my friends and I were laughing at a piece of Engrish that makes "All your base are belong to us" look almost understandable.

The game show "Win, Lose, or Draw" was basically just Pictionary, with celebrities sometimes. I don't know if you've ever tried drawing pictures with a Nintendo controller, you can imagine how it feels when your team actually gets one right. Luckily, the on-screen players do the celebrating for you. In hilarious word bubbles, your teams exclaim:

"Super"
"Very Special"
"Hairy"

That's right. That was not a typo on my end. Did they mean "hooray"? Is there something in Japan where hairiness is a measurement of celebration? Look, we were 7, it was hilarious.

This all raises the question of why I owned this game. I'd say my parents were trying to educate my sisters and me, and this falls roughly into the "Wheel of Fortune" level of brain gymnastics.

Nintendo Replayed: Tetris

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/15/08] 

This is one of the best games of all time? Really? As far as I'm concerned, it has the following strikes against it:

-- It's boring
-- It's repetitive
-- The flashies give me a headache

Oh yeah, and

-- My mom likes it.

I just don't get it.

Nintendo Replayed: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/8/08] 

Bad mouth this game all you want; I enjoy the hell out of it. Anyone who talks shit on it needs to admit they just suck at it. I was watching one review where the guy asked why you could only play as Leonardo. Dude, hit Start then Up or Down. That is the game's coolest feature.

Even though it's a one-player game, you can switch from turtle to turtle. Want to do a lot of damage quickly? Donatello. Want to take out a lot of bad guys quickly? Leonardo. Want to go on a suicide mission where you barrel through a dangerous level, leaving a useful turtle with plenty of life at the end? Raphael or Michelangelo, either is expendable.

My only real problem with this game is one, single jump. No kidding, one jump. The pit is too wide and there's an overhang just low enough. Luckily, the pit takes you into a sewer that brings you to the start of the level instead of killing you. That's how I would play this game. I'd beat level after level then play this one level over and over. I'd highly recommend you play, and if you get past this jump, you're a better man than I.

Nintendo Replayed: Wheel of Fortune

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 4/1/08] 

The same Hanukkah's eve we got our Nintendo, my parents included Wheel of Fortune. I can only assume it's because they thought my sisters and I are stupid. Without exception, everything is wrong with this game. Putting aside the idiocy of the game show, the game play is just weird. The puzzles in the final round are too long and they don't give you the luxury of R S T L N E. The 8-bit Vanna looks chubby, and computer players are about as dumb as the average Wheel of Fortune contestant. So you get lots of playing time, but for what purpose? If you solve the impossibly hard final puzzle, you win a prize you'll never actually get. Fun!

Nintendo Replayed: Duck Hunt

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/25/08] 

Exactly as expected, shooting at digital animals never gets old. The kid in me gets a great deal of glee out watching those ducks have what looks like a nervous breakdown every time they get shot. That kid also loves using the controller to mess with the ducks' flight path while my friends aim the zapper.

Nintendo Replayed: Double Dragon 2

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/18/08]

I grew up with this guy named John-Michael. He read every comic book, beat every video game, and saw every horror movie we weren't supposed to see at that age. My proudest moment was when I said I had beaten Double Dragon 2, and he told me he hadn't. A better friend would have revealed my secret to beating the game, but I didn't.

Playing it again now, I still kick this game's ass. In fact, I believe myself to be the greatest Double Dragon 2 player of all time. You doubt? I challenge you to a game on 2 Player B. I will kick your ass and take your lives. That's right. My secret is I kill my own brother and take his lives. You'd be amazed how easy the game is with 6 lives. And no, I don't consider this cheating. I discovered this on my own, without the aid of the internet, or even Nintendo Power magazine. Suck it.

Nintendo Replayed: Kid Icarus

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/11/08] 

I only played this game a few times. Why? Kid Icarus was on Captain N, so clearly he's an important video game character. So why did I only play a few times? Or right, this game sucks. It's a platformer that goes up instead of left or right. Great. As the screen travels up, if you manage to fall off the bottom, you die, even though Pit has wings and there was definitely a floor down there before. I know, I killed some dudes down there. But ooh, it came with a password pack. Woop dee doo.

Nintendo Replayed: World Class Track Meet

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 3/4/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

Parents, you know that feeling you get when you get your kid a big thing of bubbles, you know because kids love bubbles, and a week later you find puddles of spilled bubble solution all over the house? That's how my mother felt a week after buying us the power pad. In her defense, she had no idea using that thing would shake the entire house. As a kid, I didn't care. I was just pissed because I had this thing that could translate my movements onto the screen, thereby transporting me into the game Tron-style, and it just sat in a cabinet.

When my mom wasn't home, I would pull the pad out sometimes. My sisters were usually around, and they would tattle on me, so I just played with my hands. I could only get that to work with the long jump. Does anyone have cool World Class Track Meet stories because I would love to find out if this game was fun or not.

Nintendo Replayed: Back to the Future

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 2/26/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

The Angry Video Game Nerd pretty well nailed what's awful about this game. The difference between me and him is he clearly had options. I had only ten games, so I played the shit out of every one of them. I actually played Back to the Future enough to get past the annoying cafe level, and guess what, it's followed by four more street levels.

I played so carefully through those levels just to get to the school. Then I died. In the school level, Marty has to survive the onslaught of Lorraine's love, in the form of a machine gun barrage of hearts. Take my word for it, it's more annoying than the cafe milkshakes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, take the internet's word for it. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME.

Nintendo Replayed: Super Mario Brothers 3

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 2/19/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

It's amazing what an adult perspective can bring to these games. The true joy of Super Mario Brothers 3 isn't the superior level design, the vibrant colors, the sweet music, the superb boss battles, the twisting storyline, or even that fucking awesome hammer brothers suit. No, above all else, the joy of Mario 3 at its most base level is the secrets. Every level hides something waiting to be discovered. It's a Raymond Chandler mystery, full of power ups in unexpected places and coins in quantities you can't even imagine. Even better than that, I know where every last one of them are, and that makes me waaaaaaay smarter than you!

Nintendo Replayed: Star Tropics

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 2/12/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

Okay, I bought Star Tropics when I was in high school, but that didn't make it any less fun. My friends and I became obsessed with it, but since we hadn't been playing it since we were kids, it didn't have that rerun quality that comes with beating Mario 3 for the eighty gajillionth time. Star Tropics like structured like The Legend of Zelda, overworld map and dungeons, but it has a more linear plot. There is, however, nothing straight-forward about the story. No spoilers, but you will never guess how the game ends up.

Since I didn't play the game as a kid, it loses the nostalgia factor on replay, but that doesn't make it any less fun. Welcome to Awesomecola!

Nintendo Replayed: Jeopardy 25th Anniversary

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 2/5/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

My parents figured buying Nintendo games based on game shows would educate me instead of melting my brain like normal video games. Makes sense, except they also bought me Wheel of Fortune, which is based on a show that's like Mecca for idiots.

As a kid, I dedicated myself to memorizing every single Jeopardy question, leading to my encyclopedic knowledge of nothing. I can still enjoy this game today, but I wouldn't recommend it for the following reasons

1) As you scroll through the pre-designed contestant characters, they become white then mulatto then black as you cycle through the line-up. In the 80's, that was progressive. Now, it's way creepy.

2) The answers are unbelievably out-dated. Did you know West Germany is the world's third largest auto maker?

3) With a scant 3 buttons and no keyboard, you have to seek out each letter in the alphabet grid to spell out answers. It's no big deal when the answer is, say, "Yale," but you can hurt your hand trying to spell out "electromagnetism" in under 40 seconds.

I would recommend several of the computer Jeopardys out there, that can grow with time, don't have as offensive contestant characters, and you can use a damned keyboard.

Nintendo Replayed: Pinball

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 1/29/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

I totally forgot this game's innate awesomeness. This ain't that lame Pinbot my neighbors had. This is good, old Nintendo style pinball. Where else can you get a royal flsuh, hatch chicken eggs, and help Mario save the princess, all in one place?

No joke. This pinball table had a secret level where Mario bounced the pinball around until he freed Princess Toadstool from her top-of-the-screen prison. In your face, pinball games in real life. Let's see you try to have secret levels. To be fair, I suck at arcade pinball, but video pinball, that's just about my speed. The only better pinball game is that space-themed pinball that came with Windows back in the day. You can't beat a game with a five million point combo.

Nintendo Replayed: Silent Service

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 1/22/08]


Nintendo Replayed: Will my old Nintendo games hold up when I play them as an adult?

Look mom, I'm the captain of a submarine, and I'm surrounded by enemy gun ships. This game could have been the best game ever if it didn't suck such major balls. Even after reading the manual cover to cover, I have no clue what the object of the game was supposed to be. All I know is you can crash your submarine into dry land faster if you surface.