Monday, January 20, 2020

Unexplained List: Magnolia

Neil Flynn
Patton Oswalt
Thomas Jane
Robert Downey, Sr.
Alfred Molina
Felicity Huffman
Orlando Jones
Clark Gregg
Paul F. Tompkins
Mary Lynn Rajskub

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Saturday, December 14, 2019

Research, Shut the Fuck Up, Vote

According to Eli Attie, former Al Gore speech writer and The West Wing writer,

"...Democrats generally come from a more iconoclastic, less monolithic tradition. On one I hand, I find it frustrating, and it's why we tend to get less done. On the other hand, liberals believe in independent thought, which also means we believe in Thought. It's why we think climate change is real because scientists, you know, have done science."

I've been saying a far less articulate version of this since Obama's healthcare plans got watered down to the ACA. Republicans say "no" and all get in line. But Democrats are all about "yes," but once you say "yes," the question is, "Whose 'yes' are we going to prioritize?" It's why the left right now is fractured to the point of Civil War. We're still stuck in an ideological war over 2016, instead of moving on from it. I'm guilty of it too.

One side says going further left will energize voters. The other side says going too far left will alienate swing votes. Guess what? If you're reading this, you don't fucking know which is true. (unless you happen to have an advanced degree in Political Science, in which case, why the fuck are you reading this? Unless you're Graham. I know why Graham is reading this. Hi, Graham.)

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Sunday, November 17, 2019

Explained List: Movies of the Decade

There was a time I assumed this blog would be pretty much just top 10 lists of everything. Making a yearly top 10 movies always seemed kinda lame. What does my list have that every critic in the world doesn't have? After 2006, the answer couldn't just always be Crank 2. It occurred to me I've just been laying low, waiting for a big best movies of the decade list. To avoid comparing apples and oranges, I just said fuck it and made two separate lists. Don't let Uncle Marty tell you differently, I love both of these lists equally.

20) The Force Awakens
19) Captain America: Winter Soldier
18) Game Night
17) Guardians of the Galaxy
16) Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse
15) Harry Potter / Deathly Hallows, 2
14) Wonder Woman
13) Mission: Impossible -- Fallout
12) Ant-Man
11) Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
10) Edge of Tomorrow
9) X-Men: Days of Future Past
8) 21 Jump Street
7) The LEGO Movie
6) Mission: Impossible -- Ghost Protocol
20) Tim’s Vermeer
19) The Big Sick
18) Dear White People
17) Whiplash
16) Nymphomaniac, Vol. I
15) Sorry to Bother You
14) Exit Through the Gift Shop
13) Room
12) The Lobster
11) Zero Dark Thirty
10) Eighth Grade
9) The Artist
8) Her
7) The Shape of Water
6) Get Out
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Monday, September 16, 2019

2019 QB Status Tracker

We’re only two weeks into the season, and it would seem the quarterback position has been cursed. Don’t believe me? Think it’s just an injury-prone league? Sam Darnold has Mono, and THEN his backup got injured in his first start. Nick Foles got a plumb starting gig, injured week 1. Steelers and Saints lost Future Hall of Fame starters. Fitzmagic looks like he’s about to get shipped out of town, and Mini Manning is 100% going to lose his starting job. So glad I’m not doing fantasy this year. Can thirty-two separate catastrophes befall 32 different players on 32 different teams? Only time will tell, and I’ll update this as it happens.

To clarify, this list is any incident that results in a quarterback not starting a game, even if they end up coming back.

EDIT: It’s cheating a little to include starters sat week 17, but that’s still 18 QB’s. Insane.

Andrew Luck (retired)
Nick Foles (injury)
Sam Darnold (Mono)
Ben Roethlisberger (injury)
Ryan Fitzpatrick (benched)
Marcus Mariota (benched)
Patrick Mahomes (injury)
Joe Flacco (injury)
Andy Dalton (benched)
Lamar Jackson (too good)
Josh Allen
Tom Brady
Derek Carr
Baker Mayfield
Philip Rivers
DeShaun Watson
Drew Brees (injury)
Eli Manning (benched)
Cam Newton (injury)
Mitch Trubisky (injury)
Case Keenum (benched)
Matt Ryan (injury)
Matt Stafford (injury)
Kirk Cousins (week 17 sit)
Jimmy Garoppolo
Jared Goff
Kyler Murray
Dak Prescott
Aaron Rodgers
Carson Wentz
Russell Wilson
Jameis Winston


Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Unexplained List: Goat

11) XXXI
10) XLVI
8) XX
7) LII
3) LI
11) 1985
10) 1996
9) 2001
8) 2018
7) 2011
6) 2003
5) 2017
4) 2014
3) 2016
2) 2004
1) 2007

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Unexplained List: Losers

10) 1969 Vikings
9) 1978 Cowboys
8) 1983 Washington
7) 2004 Eagles
6) 1990 Bills
5) 2014 Seahawks
4) 1984 Dolphins
3) 2001 Rams
2) 1968 Colts
1) 2007 Patriots

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Thursday, June 27, 2019

2020 Candidates In Brief

EDIT 1/14/20: Six months later, it's a completely different field, so I'm giving this list a makeover.

Not Just Old White Men

Elizabeth Warren, Senator-MA: The clear best choice for now. She has a plan for everything. She has ideas, but against this incumbent, will her low-key demeanor be a plus or a minus? Will people see her and her ideas and see a leader, or just a collection of great policies? EDIT 1/14/20: A part of me wants to believe that the smartest person in the room will win. But another part of me watches a candidate who isn't really impressing me as a politician. I worry about her facing off against the president.

Amy Klobuchar, Senator: Maybe if she wasn’t the only boring candidate, she’d be worth listening to. But she’s like the fifth most popular boring candidate. Good on her for tearing apart Brett Kavanaugh. We thank you for your service. EDIT 1/14/20: With most of the other women out, Klobuchar might be able to pull off the old Kamala gamble, to lay low and stay in the pack until it's time to make her move. If we're going to go with a middle of the road, mostly boring candidate, can it at least be a woman? More importantly, she might be the best option now to stand on the stage with the president and tear him down.

Andrew Yang, Former Tech Executive: We do not need another businessman in the White House, but he is the only one talking about automation changing our economy. It’s going to happen, and it’s going to be drastic. Do not vote for him, but listen. EDIT 1/14/20: I still stand by this. I don't think a businessman should be president, especially one from the tech world. Big tech is about dehumanizing efficiency being more important than any individual. If we take him at face value, he's trying to change all that, but he's a politician now. Don't take anything he says at face value. On the other hand, when it comes to power, charisma, vision, he might be the best we got. And it's about time diversity in our politics didn't just mean black or white.

Pete Buttigieg, Mayor-IN: Make no mistake, the mayor of a city of 100,000 people is in no way qualified to run the country. But it’s 2019, and I said the same thing about a one-term Senator in 2008. Pete’s young, he’s exciting, he’s white.

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Sunday, May 12, 2019

Explained List: GoT Final Death Ranking

I know I said I wasn't going to re-order the list, but now I feel like I need to just to get all my thoughts together. Throw subtlety out the door, the last episode is now clearly Team Jon vs. Team Dany. Frankly, I don't want either of them to win, but I definitely don't want either of them to die. As far as I'm concerned, everyone is now on the chopping block. If Varys can die, I don't even know what the end of the show looks like.

1. Bran Stark
The question now is why the fuck is Bran still alive? What's even his purpose? He's #1 no longer because I think he's the most likely to die but because he's the one I want to die the most. UPDATE: fuck Bran... but I guess Tyrion is basically king now, so that's... good? Give it up for the rich white guy who spent eight years doing literally NOTHING. They never get anything.

2. Bronn
There is no way he gets Highgarden. Start his death clock. I really should have put him #1, but fuck Bran. Fuck Bran and his stupid, non-specific powers. Bran better have something major up his sleeve because fuck. UPDATE: Wrong again, I guess. Always liked Bronn, so whatever.

3. Daenerys Targaryen
Is anyone still on Team Dany? There is no way she survives now. Any chance of being part of the final power structure is now out the window. And she's been very clear that she's not going to stand by with someone else in charge. Jon Snow is gonna warg Drogon and without a dragon, she has no one to protect her.

4. Grey Worm
For a warrior with only one thing to lose, the most tragic ending would be for him to survive, but his love not to. Grey Worm arriving in Naath with Missandei's remains would maybe be too satisfying of an ending for this show. Alas, Dany's last remaining ally will have to go when she does. But he's going to go out like a bad ass. UPDATE: They went for the satisfying ending. I shouldn't have questioned myself...

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Sunday, April 28, 2019

Explained List: GoT Death Ranking- Post Winterfell

Overall, I didn't do half bad in my predictions. Of my top 10, I thought seven would die at Winterfell. I was right about 5. I should have known they were just manipulating us, like they were with Arya. The fact remains, Missandei talked about her happy ending, so I don't think she'll have it. But when I'm wrong, I'll say I'm wrong. I did not think they'd kill off Lyanna, and I did not think Melisandre would even come back. Five out of seven ain't bad.

Again, pretty certain everyone after Jon Snow is going to live. UPDATE: I’m not going to re-order the list, but I will add thoughts at the end of each week.

1. Gregor Clegane
Without a doubt, this show cannot end until the Hound kills the Mountain. Someone else killed him the first time, so he was brought back with the sole purpose of living long enough for his brother to kill him.

2. Euron Greyjoy
A smug villain we didn’t meet until late into the show. Dead.

3. Missandei
With each passing day, I'm more and more convinced the tragedy will be Grey Worm living to the end to return to Naath to mourn Missandei.

4. Cersei Lannister
With 5 of the top 10 dead and one upgraded to likely to live, the clear new Big Bad cracks the top 5. Either Jaime or Arya does it. Neither character feels fulfilled as long as Cersei lives.

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Monday, April 22, 2019

Explained List: Game of Thrones Death Ranking

With the chess pieces now in place for the first big battle of the final season, it’s time to rank all remaining characters by how likely they are to die. I’ll go back and cross them off as they go. If I’m right, everyone below Jon Snow will be alive.

1. Gregor Clegane
Without a doubt, this show cannot end until the Hound kills the Mountain. Someone else killed him the first time, so he was brought back with the sole purpose of living long enough for his brother to kill him.

2. Euron Greyjoy
A smug villain we didn’t meet until late into the show. Dead.

3. The Night King
An undead creature that will not stop until man is forgotten from history. How can we call the story complete until he’s dead?

4. Theon Greyjoy
No one has fallen further and done more to redeem himself. He has no hope of a happy life, so a noble death failing to defend Bran is a fitting end.

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