Ten Things You Still Somehow Don’t Know About “Elf”

With the end of Thanksgiving, it’s officially time for the Christmas Season to begin. That means it’s also time for really well researched articles that deep dive and mine for details about the movie “Elf” that you have totally never read before. Let me save you the effort of those totally not at all clickbait articles and give you the ten essential details about the movie “Elf” there is no possible way you knew before now.

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Incumbent Losers in Brief

The year is 1789. A group of rich, white land owners are gathering together to enact the first of many flawed democratic traditions. Given two votes each, electors chose a guy born in Scotland, some Georgia farmer, and some guy named James Armstrong. More importantly, every single one of them used their other vote on George Washington. Eleven years later (1800), the same fucked up process came one Hamilton arm twist away from putting Aaron Burr in the White House, but more importantly, it was the first time an incumbent, John Adams, had lost re-election.

Adams’ Federalist Party had crumbled, leaving Jefferson’s proto-Republicans in charge through the most stable time in US Political history, ending when John Quincy Adams became president despite clearly losing the election. Andrew Jackson led a four year charge against him until, 28 years after his father’s defeat (1828), JQ became the second Adams and second incumbent to lose re-election.

Only 12 years later, after Jackson spent eight years destroying the economy, an economic panic tanked his successor’s re-election chances, and in 1840 Martin Van Buren lost to a rich drunk the people mistook for a poor drunk.
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Unexplained List: Jacksonburg Jacksons

HEAD COACH: Hue Jackson
OFFENSE: QB: Lamar Jackson RB1: Bo Jackson RB2: Steven Jackson RB3: Fred Jackson WR1: Vincent Jackson WR2: DeSean Jackson TE: Keith Jackson LT: Perry Jackson LG: Noah Jackson C: Jamaal Jackson RG: Gabe Jackson RT: Austin Jackson			DEFENSE: LDE: Tyoka Jackson NT: Malik Jackson RDE: Rich Jackson WLB: Tom Jackson LILB: D'Qwell Jackson RILB: Michael Jackson SLB: Rickey Jackson LCB: Bobby Jackson RCB: J.C. Jackson SS: Eddie Jackson FS: Chris Jackson
SPECIAL TEAMS: P: Rusty Jackson K: David Akers

Unexplained List: Pirfection

14) 2011 Packers
13) 2004 Steelers
12) 1942 Bears
11) 1967 Raiders
10) 1968 Colts
9) 1934 Bears
8) 1998 Vikings
7) 2015 Panthers
6) 1976 Raiders
5) 1962 Packers
4) 2007 Patriots
3) 1985 Bears
2) 1984 49ers
1) 1972 Dolphins

Making Sense of 2020 QBs

All he bandwidth around the league has gone to Tom Brady, but there has been a lot of quarterback movement in the offseason. After the draft, it looks like a few starters might have a run for their money. I'm writing this to help me keep track of all of it. Here’s every starting QB’s status, moving roughly from most stable to biggest cluster fuck. I'll edit this as things change.

NO CHANGE (UDFA don't count)

Lamar Jackson | Patrick Mahomes | Jimmy Garoppolo | DeShaun Watson |
Matt Ryan | Jared Goff | Kyler Murray
STARTERS WITH NEW BACKUPS (UDFA don't count)

Drew Brees  | Russell Wilson | Baker Mayfield | Matthew Stafford | Daniel Jones | Ben Roethlisberger | Drew Lock (seriously?) | Dak Prescott | Ryan Tannehill |  Kirk Cousins | Josh Allen
STARTERS ON NEW TEAMS

Tom Brady | Teddy Bridgewater | Philip Rivers | Joe Burrow | Tua Tagovailoa | Justin Herbert
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Explained List: Smells Like Quarantine

Being trapped inside means plenty of free time. For me, it means not enough external forces to stop me from obsessing over something really dumb.  This is the Top Ten Best Things About the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" music video, pretty much in chronological order. Why seven? I wanted GIFs for this thing, and GIFs on my blog play automatically, so I trimmed a bit to fit everything. Some of these are pretty big, so expect long load times to view them all. I also had to do that clickbait thing where there's multiple pages to view them all. You'll thank me when it doesn't freeze your computer.

#1) The Opening Shot

Everything you need to know right up front. Converse high tops tapping. Kids, boys and girls. Plaid. Stripper cheerleaders. Brown. And you can just feel it about to explode.

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My Beloved Movies: Ready When You Are, Raoul

Thirteen Days

“John Paul Jones?!?” Just a solid movie about a scary chapter in our history. I don’t usually like these kinds of historical re-creation movies, but this one is pretty darned good.

Top Gun

Come on, it’s Top Gun. It’s maybe the coolest movie ever made. I’m even excited for the abjectly awful sequel coming out.

Touch of Evil

Orson Welles is a genius. I don’t even mind Charleston Heston playing a Mexican cop. It’s complex. It’s trippy. And that opening shot. Masterful.

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My Beloved Movies: Tahiti is Not in Europe

Short Circuit 2

The first one is a classic, but Michael McKean playing off Fisher Stevens is just so good. Johnny 5 taking over the electric sign is hilarious. The dial tone music trail of breadcrumbs is so clever. And Michael McKean saving a dying Johnny 5 is so damned heartbreaking.

Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

If you don’t think the music number at the end of this movie is pure joy, then you may not actually have a heart. Besides, this movie gifted the world Lauryn Hill, and that’s worth the price of admission.

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My Beloved Movies: Who’s the Wild Man Now?

Regarding Henry

This movie is so schmaltzy, but I love it anyway. It’s never too late for someone who lost his way to find his way home.

Renaissance Man

God, even more schmaltz, but whatever. This movie is the reason I can do the Feast of Crispian speech from memory. It’s dumb, but it’s just so watchable.

Rudy

Okay, R-movies, enough with the schmaltz. But come on, who doesn’t love this movie? The real life guy came to visit my middle school, and he seemed like a nightmare to be around. But this movie tells the story so well, and there is not a more noble moment in a sports movie than the “dress in my place” scene.

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My Beloved Movies: Slipper Socks, Medium

Noises Off

I don’t have a favorite movie (hence the giant list), but if I did, I think this might be it. I absolutely love the play this movie is based on. I love this movie. I love my older sister’s high school production of it. I love the production I saw in Pasadena. The silent second act is a virtuoso dance of physical comedy, and at its center is master physical comedian, John Ritter. Weird that this list has two John Ritter movies. This movie has more laughs per second than anything else I’ve ever seen.

North by Northwest

My favorite Hitchcock. This over the top cross-country thriller is just set piece after set piece. Cary Grant as action star, who knew? And Eva Marie Saint remains the only actress on my list. Yes, she’s 95, and I don’t care. I saw her at the Hollywood Bowl a couple years ago, and she absolutely owned that crowd. She’s incredible.

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