Sunday, November 19, 2017

Numbers Time: Is the AFC West Still Playing?

This is your weekly reminder the 0-10 Cleveland Browns are still, technically, in playoff contention. A Bills win would have knocked them out, but the AFC is terrible this year. I mean, the previously on-fire Kansas City Chiefs just lost to the damn Giants a week after the Giants lost to the worst NFC team. And the Chargers are the only AFC West team to win this week. They beat the Bills, keeping the Browns playoff hopes alive, but like in that way Buffalo Bill makes you think putting on the lotion will stop him from murdering you and stealing your skin.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Numbers Time: San Fran Backup Plan

This is your weekly reminder the 0-9 Cleveland Browns are still technically in playoff contention.

Congratulations to the 49ers on their win over, of course, the Giants, prolonging their torture of still being in the hunt. I guess my friend was right about adding Stephen Gostkowski to his fantasy team, having a Patriot on the roster is good luck.

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Numbers Time: Degrassi Turns 500, or Does It?

If you’ve talked to me recently, you know I recently discovered Degrassi. I had heard about it since the 80’s, but I never got into it. I was pushed to watch it for the first two seasons of the recent Netflix iteration, and finally gave in at season 3. You guys, it’s amazing. Watch it.

This thing is a Canadian juggernaut, and something is missing from your life if you don’t watch it. The original Degrassi Junior High ran three seasons, then followed the characters to Degrassi High for two, ending in 1991. In 2001, Degrassi: The Next Generation followed Emma, who first appeared as a baby conceived by a Degrassi High student, on her own first day of Degrassi Junior High. By the time Emma and her friends went off to college, the show had already built an entirely new cast of younger students to follow. That formula of seamlessly folding in new characters has kept the show on the air consistently since then. The 15th season was re-branded as the Netflix series Degrassi: Next Class, now four seasons strong. So far, I’ve only watched the last two iterations. I’m probably going to go back and watch the original soon. It’s all on YouTube.

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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Unexplained List: UFL to NFL

10) Isaiah Trufant
9) McLeod Bethel-Thompson
8) Nick Novak
7) Quintin Demps
6) Graham Gano
5) Matt Bryant
4) Jim Fassel(‘s son)
3) Josh McCown
2) Steven Hauschka
1) Sean McVay

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Monday, November 6, 2017

Numbers Time: The Giants Suck

This is your weekly reminder the 0-8 Cleveland Browns and 0-9 San Francisco 49ers are still, technically, in playoff contention. Luckily for the Browns, their bye week spared them from having to play a game of professional football. At least they get to say that this week they did exactly as well as the Patriots and Steelers.

Also still technically in are the 1-7 New York Giants, who fared so poorly against an on-fire Rams squad, they benched Eli Manning for former Jets draft bust Geno Smith. How the hell does Geno Smith have a job and Colin Kaepernick doesn’t?

But the Colts’ point differential dropped to -98, so that’s a small win for someone, right?

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Monday, October 30, 2017

Numbers Time: A Jimmy G Miracle

Today, Patriots backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo was traded to the 49ers. Why, you ask, would an 0-8 team go for broke for a quarterback? According to the 0-8 Niners and Browns are still in playoff contention. Some 4-3 teams are currently in the top six seeds, so if Handsome Jimmy G can take them 8-0 in the next eight weeks, it could happen. I mean, even an 0-5 team has never made the playoffs, so, no, it’s not going to happen. But the important thing to remember is they are still, yes, technically, in playoff contention.

But let’s also talk about the 2-6 Colts. They have a season point differential of -104 (compared to the Niners -86 and Browns -83) and they’re still in playoff contention. I guess with other former Patriots backup QB Jacoby Brissett under center, anything is possible.

The loser in all this is Brian Hoyer, another former Patriots backup QB, who was let go from the Niners for Garoppolo. Maybe Hoyer’s former team, the Browns, will pick him up and Tom Brady’s former shadows can compete to perform the world’s most unlikely of miracles.

Probably not, though.

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Monday, October 23, 2017

Numbers Time: Browns-Niners Super Bowl?

Because the NFL insists on talking about playoffs week 7, just wanted to, once again, remind everyone the 0-7 Cleveland Browns and San Francisco 49ers are still in playoff contention.

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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Losers in Brief: Losing Our Damn Minds

(part 13 of 12, bonus entry)

Since 1789, 117 men and 2 women have won at least one electoral vote. Of that group, 71 never became President or Vice President. Of them, 31 were a bunch of ambitious losers who tried for the most powerful office in the country and failed. The other 40, you’ll have to read to find out. These are their stories.

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton (Former Secretary of State, Democrat-IL) Lost to Trump-2016

Clinton had been in the national public eye since her husband ran for president 24 years before. She spent eight years in the White House advising the president. She parlayed her visibility into a successful New York Senate run. After six years serving her state, championing Democratic causes and leading in the Senate after 9/11, the people of her state re-elected her, knowing she intended to run for president two years later. After losing the 2008 primary, she was appointed Secretary of State, where she earned international respect as our chief diplomat. To recap, that's 8 years in an elected office of the legislative branch and 12 years in appointed and unappointed positions in the executive branch. Combined with a JD from Yale, she is basically the walking embodiment of all three branches of the federal government.

So why’d she lose? People fucking HATE her. It's almost absurd, the level of hate, unless you happen to also hate her, in which case is seems perfectly rational. During the election, I tried to refer to her as an expert in foreign policy, and I was told her foreign policy experience doesn't count because Secretary of State isn't an elected office. WHAT!?!?!?!? Obama had Wall Street folks in his cabinet, but apparently getting paid to give speeches made her more corrupt than every other politician who are also getting paid to give speeches to Wall Street. Not to mention her opponent was literally a Wall Street guy, so why the fuck does it matter? It matters because people fucking HATE her.

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Saturday, May 20, 2017

Numbers Time: I Made a Map!

Oh, this map. It's a thing of beauty. By the way, if you ever want me to write an insanely nerdy blog post, casually mention something to me over dinner, and apparently I will run with it. This time it was a conversation about apportionment of electoral votes. We Californians have a bit of a sore spot about the electoral college. Does Wyoming really deserve three whole electoral votes when their population is less than Milwaukee? Milwaukee doesn't get three of their own electors. Los Angeles County has more people than all but nine states, but we don't get 82 Senators.

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Tuesday, May 9, 2017

An Anal-Retentive Binge Guide to The Simpsons

I think we can all agree the best way to watch The Simpsons is 2-4 hour blocks between 3pm and 7pm for the better part of your childhood and most of your young adult life. Not all of us were that lucky. A friend mentioned in passing that she hadn't seen the show but had always sort of wanted to. Since I'm obsessive, I decided to run with it.

The daunting 28 season run can be intimidating. It took my wife and I months to work through 11 seasons of Frasier. Let's get real, most of those 28 seasons are garbage. Okay, maybe not garbage, but if you're trying to watch the cultural juggernaut and maybe see for yourself why people are obsessed with it, you won't find your answers in season 23.

So here are my suggested methods for binge watching The Simpsons. Before you comment, keep in mind (besides the fact that I kind of don't care what you think) I am tailoring this for a specific person. I may be leaving out your favorite episodes, and I may be including episodes you think are terrible.

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