Sunday, December 3, 2017

Unexplained List: Swirling Currents

15) Balem Abrasax
14) Beaver’s neighbor
13) Laura’s older brother
12) Pluto Nash
11) A Martian crater
10) A couple of paradise tickets
9) The Comedian
8) Raymond Chandler gangster
7) The One
6) Pool hustling Paul Newman
5) Co-owner, Valiant & Valiant
4) Heart of Gold’s shipboard computer
3) Venom
2) A dress killer
1) ACE award for best editing

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Explained List: Super Mario NOdyssey


The two big games for the Nintendo Switch, Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey, are possibly two of the best games ever made, and they couldn’t be more different. BotW just lets you loose in the massive game with only the vaguest of guidance. Odyssey gives you a massive blank checklist and dares you to fill it in by exploring every nook and cranny looking for mini-games, secret levels, and some random weird crap, each one awarding you with a power moon. Mario; his versatile, sentient hat companion Cappy; and I have collected 863 moons so far. That means I have done over 800 things in this game, and I just want to play more.

Which is why I’m breaking from my regular format and actually explaining this list. According to the checklist, I have 15 moons left. I’ve attempted them all, and even though I want to make it very clear I love the shit out of this game, 10 of them are fucking god awful. Why do they have to sully this near-perfect game with their incessant existence? Screw 100%. They’re not worth my time. This screen shot is basically my endgame (I won’t spoil how to do this), so fuck it.

Top 10 Power Moons I Don’t Need in My Life

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Sunday, November 26, 2017

Numbers Time: Mercy Rule

Almost a year to the day they were eliminated last year, the 0-11 Browns have finally, mercifully been eliminated from playoff contention. The 1-10 Niners and 2-9 Giants are also out, and with a dominant top half to the NFC, we can expect the Bears and probably Buccaneers to be out very soon. A lackluster AFC, though, prolongs the agony for the Broncos and Colts, whose net points are back below -100. But Jimmy G had a great game today, right?

UPDATE 12/3/17 - After handing the Niners their second win of the season, the 3-9 Bears are out.  But Jimmy G got his first win as San Francisco’s starter, so good for him. In the AFC, the 3-9 Colts and Broncos are still in contention. These are two VERY different conferences.

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Sunday, November 19, 2017

Numbers Time: Is the AFC West Still Playing?

This is your weekly reminder the 0-10 Cleveland Browns are still, technically, in playoff contention. A Bills win would have knocked them out, but the AFC is terrible this year. I mean, the previously on-fire Kansas City Chiefs just lost to the damn Giants a week after the Giants lost to the worst NFC team. And the Chargers are the only AFC West team to win this week. They beat the Bills, keeping the Browns playoff hopes alive, but like in that way Buffalo Bill makes you think putting on the lotion will stop him from murdering you and stealing your skin.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Numbers Time: San Fran Backup Plan

This is your weekly reminder the 0-9 Cleveland Browns are still technically in playoff contention.

Congratulations to the 49ers on their win over, of course, the Giants, prolonging their torture of still being in the hunt. I guess my friend was right about adding Stephen Gostkowski to his fantasy team, having a Patriot on the roster is good luck.

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Numbers Time: Degrassi Turns 500, or Does It?

If you’ve talked to me recently, you know I recently discovered Degrassi. I had heard about it since the 80’s, but I never got into it. I was pushed to watch it for the first two seasons of the recent Netflix iteration, and finally gave in at season 3. You guys, it’s amazing. Watch it.

This thing is a Canadian juggernaut, and something is missing from your life if you don’t watch it. The original Degrassi Junior High ran three seasons, then followed the characters to Degrassi High for two, ending in 1991. In 2001, Degrassi: The Next Generation followed Emma, who first appeared as a baby conceived by a Degrassi High student, on her own first day of Degrassi Junior High. By the time Emma and her friends went off to college, the show had already built an entirely new cast of younger students to follow. That formula of seamlessly folding in new characters has kept the show on the air consistently since then. The 15th season was re-branded as the Netflix series Degrassi: Next Class, now four seasons strong. So far, I’ve only watched the last two iterations. I’m probably going to go back and watch the original soon. It’s all on YouTube.

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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Unexplained List: UFL to NFL

10) Isaiah Trufant
9) McLeod Bethel-Thompson
8) Nick Novak
7) Quintin Demps
6) Graham Gano
5) Matt Bryant
4) Jim Fassel(‘s son)
3) Josh McCown
2) Steven Hauschka
1) Sean McVay

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Monday, November 6, 2017

Numbers Time: The Giants Suck

This is your weekly reminder the 0-8 Cleveland Browns and 0-9 San Francisco 49ers are still, technically, in playoff contention. Luckily for the Browns, their bye week spared them from having to play a game of professional football. At least they get to say that this week they did exactly as well as the Patriots and Steelers.

Also still technically in are the 1-7 New York Giants, who fared so poorly against an on-fire Rams squad, they benched Eli Manning for former Jets draft bust Geno Smith. How the hell does Geno Smith have a job and Colin Kaepernick doesn’t?

But the Colts’ point differential dropped to -98, so that’s a small win for someone, right?

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Monday, October 30, 2017

Numbers Time: A Jimmy G Miracle

Today, Patriots backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo was traded to the 49ers. Why, you ask, would an 0-8 team go for broke for a quarterback? According to the 0-8 Niners and Browns are still in playoff contention. Some 4-3 teams are currently in the top six seeds, so if Handsome Jimmy G can take them 8-0 in the next eight weeks, it could happen. I mean, even an 0-5 team has never made the playoffs, so, no, it’s not going to happen. But the important thing to remember is they are still, yes, technically, in playoff contention.

But let’s also talk about the 2-6 Colts. They have a season point differential of -104 (compared to the Niners -86 and Browns -83) and they’re still in playoff contention. I guess with other former Patriots backup QB Jacoby Brissett under center, anything is possible.

The loser in all this is Brian Hoyer, another former Patriots backup QB, who was let go from the Niners for Garoppolo. Maybe Hoyer’s former team, the Browns, will pick him up and Tom Brady’s former shadows can compete to perform the world’s most unlikely of miracles.

Probably not, though.

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Monday, October 23, 2017

Numbers Time: Browns-Niners Super Bowl?

Because the NFL insists on talking about playoffs week 7, just wanted to, once again, remind everyone the 0-7 Cleveland Browns and San Francisco 49ers are still in playoff contention.

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