Dynasty Warriors

Putting aside for a moment the basic fact that the word "dynasty" in a sports context is a completely arbitrary term, the question for the moment is, "Are the Kansas City Chiefs a dynasty?" Before we dive into the question, let me forefront my bias. Not only am I a Patriots fan, but I deeply, deeply hate the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm not going to pretend this is a purely impartial analysis. As far as I'm concerned, though, it doesn't need to be impartial to be clear.

To define an NFL Dynasty, we have to look at the teams considered Dynasties. The 60s Packers, the 70s Steelers, 80s 49ers, 90s Cowboys, and the 2000-2019 Patriots. There are too many stats to compile, so let's just look at Super Bowls. The Packers won 5 Championships in 7 years, including the first two Super Bowls. The Steelers went 4-0 in six years, including two back-to-back wins. From 1981-1994, the 49ers went 5-0, under two different quarterbacks. The first four were enough for a Dynasty, but the fifth made the argument for the organization, not just special players like Joe Montana. The Cowboys went 3-0 in four years, and they did it in such dominating fashion, no one questions their dominance in such a short period of time.
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Incumbent Losers in Brief

The year is 1789. A group of rich, white land owners are gathering together to enact the first of many flawed democratic traditions. Given two votes each, electors chose a guy born in Scotland, some Georgia farmer, and some guy named James Armstrong. More importantly, every single one of them used their other vote on George Washington. Eleven years later (1800), the same fucked up process came one Hamilton arm twist away from putting Aaron Burr in the White House, but more importantly, it was the first time an incumbent, John Adams, had lost re-election.

Adams’ Federalist Party had crumbled, leaving Jefferson’s proto-Republicans in charge through the most stable time in US Political history, ending when John Quincy Adams became president despite clearly losing the election. Andrew Jackson led a four year charge against him until, 28 years after his father’s defeat (1828), JQ became the second Adams and second incumbent to lose re-election.

Only 12 years later, after Jackson spent eight years destroying the economy, an economic panic tanked his successor’s re-election chances, and in 1840 Martin Van Buren lost to a rich drunk the people mistook for a poor drunk.
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Research, Shut the Fuck Up, Vote

According to Eli Attie, former Al Gore speech writer and The West Wing writer,

"...Democrats generally come from a more iconoclastic, less monolithic tradition. On one I hand, I find it frustrating, and it's why we tend to get less done. On the other hand, liberals believe in independent thought, which also means we believe in Thought. It's why we think climate change is real because scientists, you know, have done science."

I've been saying a far less articulate version of this since Obama's healthcare plans got watered down to the ACA. Republicans say "no" and all get in line. But Democrats are all about "yes," but once you say "yes," the question is, "Whose 'yes' are we going to prioritize?" It's why the left right now is fractured to the point of Civil War. We're still stuck in an ideological war over 2016, instead of moving on from it. I'm guilty of it too.

One side says going further left will energize voters. The other side says going too far left will alienate swing votes. Guess what? If you're reading this, you don't fucking know which is true. (unless you happen to have an advanced degree in Political Science, in which case, why the fuck are you reading this? Unless you're Graham. I know why Graham is reading this. Hi, Graham.)

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Fun with Ranking Presidents

Boise State has released their latest ranking of the Presidents. As I’ve said many times before, this is an absurd undertaking. It’s impossible to fairly compare Presidents who faced different challenges, different worlds, different expectations, different jobs. I do find them fascinating. It’s worth it to see how modern politics affects how experts view history. Before reading further, I suggest you click the link above and look at their methodology and breakdowns. Don’t comment on bias in this list. It’s addressed in the breakdown.

On the breakdown, they mention that they asked the experts about which presidents were the most polarizing. More fascinating than the answer to that question is the actual breakdown on ideological lines in the study itself. They broke down how the experts voted based on their political affiliation. The differences and similarities among Republicans, Democrats, Conservatives, and Liberals is worth a look. First, where all four groups agree:

Within the Top 10: Lincoln Washington FDR T Roosevelt Jefferson Truman Eisenhower

Firmly in the middle: Cleveland Grant Ford

Within the Bottom 10: Taylor Tyler Harding Fillmore Trump Pierce A Johnson WH Harrison Buchanan

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My 2016 Internet Resolutions For You

This is a list of stuff I want to go away in 2016. I'm probably guilty of all of these too, but it's you guys that are pissing me off.

1) Spoilers

No one HAS to post on social media about movies or TV. It may be your right, but this isn't why American soldiers bled for you. Being spoiler-conscious is not a burden. It's called being polite. No one likes to be told they're being thoughtless, especially if they don't think they are. But get over yourself. You are.

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My Only Oscar Race

This is the year art won at the Oscars. The eight Best Picture nominations represent eight solid visions and eight original, powerful stories. But none of them were that great. Some years we get The Godfather. Some years we get 12 Years a Slave. And some years we get Argo. While none of the Best Picture nominees were as bad as Argo, none of them were really all that transcendent.

For me, only one race mattered: Best Animated Feature.

Or it did, until The Lego Movie didn't even get nominated.

So last night, only one race mattered: Best Original Song

"Everything is Awesome" is why is category was invented. It's not just the song they played over the credits. It is a piece of music and writing that perfectly captures the tone of a movie that was way more complex than it had any right to be. It's an integral part of the story, everyone on the movie has an opinion about it, and their opinion places them on the movie's moral spectrum. It's catchy, so it finally got "Let it Go" out of your kid's head, and it's ironic, so parents can get it too. I circled "Everything is Awesome" on my Oscar ballot and refused to give any other song any consideration.

So these were my thoughts watching the Oscars:
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Seriously, Fuck "Boyhood." Discuss.

SPOILERS AHEAD

The title of this post is what I thought about posting to Facebook immediately after watching "Boyhood." I chose not to because that would just be trolling. There is nothing more annoying than the one guy who feels like they have to convince everyone that a popular thing is dumb.

I honestly don't care if anyone agrees with me, and based on the 98% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, not many people do. I'm writing this because I couldn't find anything written about this movie that captures how I feel about it.

It's easy to walk out of a movie and point out everything wrong with it. Criticism is easy. Challenging yourself to like something you don't immediately connect to, that's hard. I'm the kind of person who tries to go into a movie with limited expectations. Everything I heard going in made me question two things:
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Ramblings on Serial

SPOILER ALERT

In the spirit of the podcast, I'm not just going to write my thoughts, I'm going to say why I'm writing this in the first place. It has been a while since I've written anything here, and it's starting to look neglected. Tonight, I'm having dinner with friends and Serial has already been decided as the topic of conversation. Maybe this is just to organize my thoughts, or maybe this will empty my well for the conversation tonight. Either way, time to empty out my brain.

If you haven't listened to the last episode of Serial, stop reading, then do one of two things. Listen to the final episode, or, if you haven't even been listening, you should re-assess our entire relationship. I have not let a conversation go by without mentioning it. I have merely suggested giving the first episode a try, then moving on if you like it. So you've either started listening and were honestly not immediately hooked, in which case I can recommend several therapists, or you ignored my advice, in which case fuck you. There is one good expection to this, which is the friend who gave a pretty convincing moral argument against getting entertainment value from talking about a girls murder. You know who you are. Everyone else, you're on my list.

I'd like to point out for the record, that is a shit list, not a death list, you know, just in case someone decides to use this as evidence in my murder trial.
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16 Ways the HIMYM Ending Missed the Point

Full disclosure. I am a recovering romantic. For a long time I thought the love in movies was the same thing as love in real life. I didn't look at women as people I could connect with, but I more looked for that unexplainable spark. That sparks, it turns out, has more to do with blood rushing to your junk than your heart. That spark is lust, not love. Love is the real, challenging connection two people make. It's about finding a person you can spend hours and hours and days and weeks and years with and still find a way to put them before yourself.

But that's not what I want in movies and TV. These are stories, told from a specific angle, with a clear vision of love. This ideal is important. Love is something that needs to be explored. That's why I love -- that's right, still love -- about "How I Met Your Mother." Even in the later seasons when the quality dipped pretty far, the show is about expressing love. Be it romantic love or friendship love, it's a show about finding the people you care about and making sure they know you love them.

Before I rip into it, I want to be clear I have a lot of respect for the way the creators chose to end the show. The finale was their highest rated episode, and two days later, people are still talking about it. The finale gave the fans a lot of what they wanted. They validated fan theories. They closed out all the major story lines.

Like I said in my other essay on this, I have been trying to cut the writers some slack. This show should have ended at the end of Season 7. They kept the crew employed for two more years, and for that, I can never truly be angry at them for whiffing the ending. They chose the well-being of their people over the integrity of the show. It's a tough decision to make, but by the end, you'll see how I think a more experienced producing team possibly could have had it both ways.
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If the Mother Dies, The Show Dies

SPOILERS GALORE.

I have been actively forgiving of How I Met Your Mother. Any show that banks on a single grand arc runs the risk of landing exactly where HIMYM is now, and that risk is entirely out of the creators' and writers' hands. Shows get cancelled and extended all the time. They introduced Victoria in season 1 thinking they'd get cancelled and at least their story would have worked as a backup. I'm guessing here, but I'd say around mid-season 5, they had a seven-year plan. Now, their unbridled success has painted them in a corner, and they've had to spin their wheels out to a ninth season. The premise has long since run its course, but the show must go on.

I have trudged through every awful episode because once upon a time, series creator Carter Bays promised he had an ending in mind the whole time that would make it all worth it. He was supposedly overseeing every episode, so no matter what happened, it would align with this grand ending. When filming the Harry Potter movies, J.K. Rowling told only Alan Rickman the truth behind Snape. That way, every scene he played, especially with Harry, would ring true with the final reveal. Bays made a promise to us all. Even though the show isn't exactly how they want it anymore, the big ending will make it all worth it.

Last night's episode, "Vesuvius," seems to point to one conclusion: the Mother is dying, and they know it six years before 2030, the year Ted is telling this epic story. In my humble opinion, this would ruin the entire series. Even if the ending itself is sweet and heartfelt in ways only HIMYM can nail, it would destroy everything that came before it.

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In Defense of Spoilers

SPOILERS, SPOILERS!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS!

Last night was a spoiler explosion, wasn't it?

In a twist a lot of people couldn't fathom, "Game of Thrones" killed off not only three and a half major characters, but it wiped out the good guys' army. The guy a lot of people assumed we were supposed to be rooting for is now dead. Blind-sided, hundreds of people took to social media to express an emotion they could not process.

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4 Occasions Where Posting The Red Equals Would Be More Appropriate

When you feel strongly about a social issue, it's always good to be reminded you're not alone. Friends of mine living in red states talked a lot about how a sea of red profile pictures made them feel a lot better than the regressive rants they hear daily. To anyone trying to marry their gay partner, I'm sure the red pictures give them hope their wedding will come some day soon. It's for those reasons that I'm not against the Red Equals, per se. It's not nearly as idiotic as the cartoons against bullying from a few years ago. This time, I actually thought a lot about doing it before deciding not to.

Ultimately, I chose not to because now is hardly the right time to do it. The movement was designed to coincide with the Supreme Court hearing arguments about California's Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act. There is never a wrong time to show support for gay marriage. To those of us on this side of the fence, it almost seems ridiculous that there's even another side to this argument. Because our side has become so vocal, it seems even Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have conceeded the loss. However, the Supreme Court doesn't care what you, or anyone, thinks.

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Gun Regulation is Pro-Gun

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

Let's be clear. This is what we're talking about. One side can debate the merits of personal liberty and security while the other can cover horrific gun death statistics. At the end of the day, we're really talking about what this sentence means. I'll tell you right up front, I do not have a stance on gun control. I think both sides make very good points.

American citizens enjoy a fundamental right to own a gun. It's the second amendment, after only the right to free expression, and before the ban on quartering soldiers. Anyone who lives a short drive from their local police station needs to take a second before calling gun advocates a bunch of uneducated red necks. A close friend, who I will not mention by name, lives over an hour from the closest police officer, and he protects his land with a gun. He is also a professor at a prestigious university, that I will also not name. It's hard for us city folk to understand why he needs a gun, but believe me, he does.

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A Eulogy to Chad Ochocinco

We are all gathered here today to honor a fallen Patriot. A man who was taken from us far too soon. While his time with us was brief, we will never forget the sacrifices he made and the place in our hearts where he will live forever. He came to us a lost soul, half of a duo that never should have been, and even though he finds himself again a man without a team, we know he has found a greater truth in his time here.

Chad will always be important to me. He is such a ridiculous and fascinating person that when my girlfriend found out he was picked up by New England, she vowed that one day she would actually watch football with me. Although you are no longer with us, I hope you know that you are the reason she came with me to a friend's house to watch a regular season game and was immediately hooked. At the end of the season, we sat and watched you and your brethren fall to the mighty Giants. We cried, together. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

That day, as I am today, we were dressed in number 85. Eight Five.

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Relatives on Facebook, Please Read

Dearest Relatives,

This is an open letter, so I want to be clear to whom this applies. Brothers, sisters, cousins, you're all good. I'm talking to the generations that came before us: parents, aunts, uncles, grands, greats, and once or twice removeds. I'm even going to widen my umbrella and include friends relatives in this. Hell, I will include anyone thinking about interacting with a younger generation in their family on Facebook. Everyone can learn from what I'm about so say, please, come one and all to listen. See that usage of the word whom back there. That was for you guys. I can be hip.

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My BSG Addiction: Intro

From January 29 to February 9, I watched "Battlestar Galactica" in its entirety on Netflix Instant. To be clear, that means a 3 hour mini series, a 90 minute mini-movie, and 74 episodes running about 45 minutes. During this time, I worked 10 hours per day, spent quality time with my girlfriend (where we also worked through all of "Pushing Daisies"), and, you know, slept. At first, I watched because I wanted to see what would happen next, but by the end, I was watching because I couldn't wait to be done watching. I can't imagine what it felt like to wait four years to see how it all ended.

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The Dangers of Facebook 'Causes'

If you've been on Facebook recently, you've probably seen this, over and over again:

"Change your FB profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To not see a human face on FB till Monday, December 6. Join the fight against child abuse, copy & paste to your status and invite friends to do the same."

While it's refreshing to see Facebook used for something more than sharing pictures of an impressive meal, it is yet another step so far in the wrong direction we won't remember what the right one was when we get there. If on December 6, every single one of the millions of Facebook profile pictures is a cartoon, it still would have accomplished exactly nothing. True, we are declaring in one voice that we're against child abuse, but is anyone NOT against child abuse? If there actually is a person out there who is PRO child abuse, I sincerely doubt even millions of little cartoon faces will change that person's opinion on the matter.

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To Undecideds: I Don't Love Barack Obama, but I'm Voting For Him

RE-POSTED FROM MY FACEBOOK NOTE --

When it comes to undecideds, I think the worst people to try to change their minds are those that have binged on the Obama Kool-Aid. I hate to think of this election in terms of past elections, just voting for the guy I hate the least. The truth, though, is that Obama's idealism, while refreshing, isn't enough to make me ga-ga over him. On the other hand, I think the worst thing that could happen to this country right now is for John McCain to become president. If you are undecided, please take a moment to let me try to push you in Obama's direction.
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Despite What Michael Moore Says, Hope is Still Alive

RE-POSTED FROM MY FACEBOOK NOTE --

I just finished watching Michael Moore's new "Slacker Uprising." Moore released this movie for free on the internet, with the hope that as many people as possible saw it before the election, and it would encourage them to vote. I figured, great, who better than the master of agitprop himself to spring people into action. The marketing on this is awesome. The web site encourages you to download the movie for free, and show it, for free, to as many people as possible. In a time when voter turn out is going to decide an election, attempts like this to encourage young people should be applauded. Young people right now are so disillusioned by the electoral process, we need something positive to look to. However,

IF YOU ARE AT ALL DISILLUSIONED BY THE ELECTORAL PROCESS, DO NOT WATCH "SLACKER UPRISING."
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Giant Groups of People Change the World

RE-POSTED FROM MY FACEBOOK NOTE --

A bunch of farmers and scholars banded together and kicked the crap out of the mighty British Empire. Then a bunch of painters, mimes, and whatever else the French do took down the French monarchy. Then a bunch of women earned the right to vote. Then a bunch of people earned equal rights for all races. Then a bunch of people elected a black man president.

Now, there's genocide in Darfur and elsewhere, a corrupt economy that's destroying us while CEO's get richer, and bands upon bands of terrorists still want to blow us up.

So by all means, let's plan a Facebook walk out. Way to waste democracy.