Thursday, June 27, 2019

2020 Candidates In Brief

The Real Candidates

Elizabeth Warren, Senator-MA: The clear best choice for now. She has a plan for everything. She has ideas, but against this incumbent, will her low-key demeanor be a plus or a minus? Will people see her and her ideas and see a leader, or just a collection of great policies?

Kamala Harris, Senator-CA: It's impossible to watch her in those Senate hearings and not imagine her tearing down the president. She's a smart rising star, a party favorite with broad appeal. Against this field, though, I find myself wondering what she stands for and how she's going to reach out more to progressives.

Julian Castro, Former HUD Secretary-TX: He’s not all that exciting, but he’s young, compassionate, and you better believe he’s going to clean up the atrocities at the Mexican border. And he might actually put Texas in play.

John Hickenlooper, Former Governor-CO: A boring moderate, but he’s worth a look. He’s a consensus builder, and the only major candidate with real executive experience.

Joe Biden, Former Vice President-DE: Elections are a referendum on the status quo. If you’re happy with the way things are, Biden’s your man.

Cory Booker, Senator-NY: Does Booker know his focus on criminal justice reform doesn’t make him a serious candidate? But maybe that level of chutzpah is what keeps him alive long enough to outlast them all.

Bernie Sanders, Senator-VT: If Warren isn’t far enough left for you, Sanders is your guy. I get he has a loyal following, but if you really support him and his vision, ask yourself, is he really a better choice than Warren?

Pete Buttigieg, Mayor-IN: Make no mistake, the mayor of a city of 100,000 people is in no way qualified to run the country. But it’s 2019, and I said the same thing about a one-term Senator in 2008. Pete’s young, he’s exciting, he’s white.

Serious Person, Not Serious Candidate

Jay Inslee, Governor-WA: He said it himself, he’s not in it to win. He’s in it to talk about climate change. He's not worth for vote or your donation, but for the love of god, listen to what he has to say.

Kirsten Gillibrand, Senator-NY: She’s focused on gender equality, and what she has to say is very important. We can only hope whoever wins takes up her mantle.

Andrew Yang, Former Tech Executive: We do not need another businessman in the White House, but he is the only one talking about automation changing our economy. It’s going to happen, and it’s going to be drastic. Do not vote for him, but listen.

Ain’t Gonna Happen

Beto O’Rourke, private citizen: Time to climb off the Beto train. Maybe one day he will be ready, but right now, he has done two things on the national stage: lose an election and now blow a debate appearance.

Amy Klobuchar, Senator: Maybe if she wasn’t the only boring candidate, she’d be worth listening to. But she’s like the fifth most popular boring candidate. Good on her for tearing apart Brett Kavanaugh. We thank you for your service.

Michael Bennet, Senator: In his first question at the debate, the moderator asked him about something he said, and he wasn’t sure if the question was directed at him. Is he just in it to legalize weed? That's obviously a joke, but is it?

Bill de Blasio, Why is the mayor of New York City running for President??? Try governor of New York first, buddy.

Tim Ryan, Congressman: Who? Isn’t he the tall guy from Veep? Why does a Congressman think he can run for President?

Eric Swalwell, Congressman: just because he’s good on TV doesn’t mean he should be president. That’s what the other side thinks.

Tulsi Gabbard, Congresswoman: No way to be certain she’s not a cult leader. But she’s fun to watch

John Delaney, Former Congressman: What's not to love? He's boring AND he’s not even currently a serving member of government.

Marianne Williamson, Author: Sorry, but just because Oprah likes you doesn’t mean you get to be president.

Quit Now

Steve Bullock, Governor: Popular, consensus-building Governor from a tiny red state would be a good sell if there weren’t a million candidates. Keep up the good work, though.

Wayne Messam, Mayor: Uh, I guess he had money to spare...

Seth Moulton, Congressman: Not sure if you heard, he’s a veteran. It’s literally all he talks about.

Joe Sestak, Former Congressman: Okay, like, I get why he thinks he would be a good president, especially given his military career. But no one else thinks so.

Mike Gravel, 89 years-old: He was the highlight of the 2008 democratic primary. The craziest of crazy old men. If you’ve already donated to a real candidate and have money to spare, give it to Gravel. Like, for his own good and the good of the country, he should drop out, but I really want to see how far he can take this.

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