Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Ringmaster

If you don't recognize the title, this was that Jerry Springer movie that followed the guests back stage and into their personal lives. I guess it was intended as a farce of Springer and Springer-esque shows, but casting Springer as Springer made the purpose of the film hazy at best. The characters were all just sort of vaguely trashy, and their back stage antics just came off as a longer episode of one of these talk shows. Just add this movie to the pile of films that never lived up to their premise. The movie started out strong, though, with...

You guessed it, one good scene.

The film opens on a trailer park. Jaime Pressley's in bed with some guy. Then Mom comes home. Pressley and guy throw on clothes and act natural. Turns out guy is Step Dad, and ta-da, we have our Springer premise. What follows is possibly my favorite piece of dialogue ever.

Mom quickly figures out the whole situation. After a failed confrontation with the daughter and husband, Mom retreats to her room, emerging even more trashier. She's all made up, hair done, dressed as slutty as possible, topped off with a tight jean jacket. This results in the following interchange:

Jaime Pressley: I didn't say you could borrow my jean jacket.
Mom: I didn't say you could fuck my husband.

Then Mom goes off to revenge blow Jaime Pressley's boyfriend.

The whole rest of the movie just blows.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Entrapment

Undercover movies have the potential to be the most fascinating. The agent could be discovered at any moment, adding that delicious layer of constant danger. The agent could give into the underworld and become bad himself. Best of all, the agent could discover these bad guys are actually way better human beings than the assholes who hired him in the first place. Honestly, I don't remember which category this movie falls into. It's simply that bad. Sean Connery's a thief and Catherine Zeta-Jones pretends to be his new protege to gain his trust. Blah blah blah.

There was, however, one good scene.

It wasn't even a scene. It's just one shot. The shot ended up in every trailer and subsequently in every single piece of film put together that even remotely mentioned this movie or Zeta-Jones's career. We all know the shot. Ms. Z-J slips under a laser for some reason. The reason is irrelevant. All that matters is a perfectly shot ass. She does the move later in the movie, but it's not nearly as effective.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Executive Decision

Calling "Executive Decision" bad is a matter of taste. At the very least, it's not very good. It's a basic genre pic: terrorists on plane, someone on the plane must stop them. The whole getting commandos onto the plane using a technique similar to how they got Alec Baldwin onto the Red October was a neat, little twist, but overall this movie is run of the mill. Kurt Russell plays a scientist, but since he's played by Kurt Russell, we know he can kick some ass. The terrorists are Arabs, so we know they won't succeed. Steven Seagall's in it, so he's going to fight some people. Been there, done that.

What makes this movie even remotely memorable is one good scene.

This movie was billed as the great coming together of action stars Seagal and Russell. In the trailers, the big moment was always Seagal closing the hatch on Russell, locking him on the passenger jet and putting him in charge. We all thought Seagal was hanging up his action spurs and handing the reigns to the [slightly] younger Russell. We all imagined Seagal kicking ass on the ground while Russell took charge in the sky. That didn't so much happen.

Because Steven Seagal fucking dies.

In a move they could never pull off in the days of the internet, the studio managed to keep it a secret that Steven Seagal gets sucked out of the plane right after he closes that hatch. Movie studios couldn't lie to us, right? Seagal must have landed somewhere coincidentally useful, right? The audience didn't know what hit them. They had spent the last few minutes wondering how everyone was going to get out of this unscathed. Maybe some lieutenant would die, but when Seagal was the last one through the hatch, we sat at the edges of our seats waiting to see how the great Steven Seagal would get back safely into the stealth fighter. When he didn't, we were shocked, but more importantly, we were hooked.

This movie whose basic premise is interesting enough to keep us watching but not memorable enough to make us care pulled off one of the most stunning tricks in film history. You'd expect that kind of adept manipulation from Alfred Hitchcock (Psycho) or Wes Craven (Scream) but not from the guy who did Lethal Weapon (Stuart Baird). Those who saw the movie just for Seagal might have been disappointed, but for the rest of us, it was the one shining moment in a vanilla sort of movie.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Mallrats

For years, I considered "Mallrats" to be one of my favorite movies. After a more recent viewing, I realized, the movie is, for the most part, enjoyable, but not as great as I thought it was. In the wake of Kevin Smith's Southwest Airlines run-in, I'm realizing more and more that his movies, while genius to teenagers, don't have the substance I once thought they did. How is it I thought this movie was so great?

The reason was one good scene.

The movie centers around Jeremy London's T. S. trying desperately to win his girlfriend Brandy back from the clutches of her father, who's trying to stage a Dating Game update at a mall. The gem of the movie turns out to be Jason Lee, in the role that started his star trajectory. Lee's Brody is a comic book geek who spends all his time at the mall, but Lee sells his bullshit as if he's Aristotle. He's smug and sarcastic and unavoidably loveable.

In a big, final attempt to win back his love, T. S. sneaks himself and Brody onto her father's "Truth or Date." Brody takes over the show. His snarky answers and comments are a testament to Smith's writing ability, but moreso, they show a star bursting out of a role too small for his talent. He beats on the host, the loser third contestant suitor, and the ridiculousness of the very idea that anyone could reboot The Dating Game. I keep keep blathering, but I'll just close with a quote:


Brandy: Second Suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brody: I already did once today. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of a sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning round, going out of control. He decides it's all over, whips it out and starts beating it right there. All the passengers take a cue from him they whip it out and start beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off plummeting to their certain doom when all of a sudden the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Suitor #3: Did he come or what?
Brody: Jesus Christ, Gil! There are just some things you don't talk about in public.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: The Transporter

My first Transporter movie was Transporter 2. It's amazing. That movie is a bastion of ridiculousness. Jason Statham is white ninja. That guy rules. Before they could reach the heights of Transporter 2, they had to setup the character and all his back story, blah blah blah. It has some good action sequences, but overall, it tries too hard to be a real movie.

There is, however, one good scene.

I called it oil fight.

Statham's Frank Martin spends the whole movie fighting his way up a crime syndicate. Based on his moves, and a box some chick finds in his house full of character revealing information, he clearly knows how to handle himself in a fight. He's quick on his feet, and he knows how to use his environment to his advantage. Like I said, white ninja.

The zenith of Frank's amazingness is in some sort of workshop area. He's got to fend off a butt load of bad guys all by himself. To gain the advantage, he spills a bunch of oil on himself and the floor. Using the oil in every imaginable way, he slips out of their grip, makes them lose their footing, launches himself across the floor at them. It's fundamental scene work. Take one thing and use it in every way imaginable. Frank tops himself by taking apart a bike -- with his feet, of course -- and using the pedals, he gets a more solid footing on the oil.

This is why The Transporter movies are better than the Bourne movies. Jason Bourne takes out a dozen guys just because he's awesome for some reason. Frank has to earn every bit of kick ass. He earns it even more in Transporter 2 with "hose fight." It's like oil fight to the nth degree.

Check it out, oh, and also Crank 2, best movie of 2009.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Eurotrip

Eurotrip is my holy grail of bad movies. It gets so close in so many places, but it never comes together. It has moments of near brilliance, like how they end up in eastern Europe with next to no money, only to discover that in the former Soviet block, a couple American dollars makes you a millionaire. Unfortunately, most of the jokes rely on broad European stereotypes and the movie never lives up to the obvious talent behind it.

There is, however, one good scene.

The movie opens with main character Scott's girlfriend Fionna dumping him right after he graduates high school. Oh yeah, then she tells him she's been cheating on him. Oh yeah, then after being treated to Scott getting zero sympathy from friends and family over his broken heart, he shows up to a sweet end of school party, where he finds out Matt Damon's the guy (or one of the guys) she's been screwing.

And here's the best part. Mr. Damon plays the singer of a sweet band, who treats the party to a rendition of Lustra's "Scotty Doesn't Know." He calls Fionna, played by the imminently fuckable Kristin Kreuk, up on stage and tells her the song is in celebration of their anniversary. That's right, not only is she cheating on him, they've been doing it for a year. She's the premier whore of their little town, and apparently Scott's the only one that doesn't know. Some select lyrics from "Scotty Doesn't Know:"

Scotty doesn't know,
That Fionna and me,
Do it in my van every Sunday.

She tells him shes in church,
But she doesn't go,
Still shes on her knees, and...

Scotty doesn't know, oh.

Damon belts out this little love ditty, while Fionna whores it up on stage, and poor Scotty's left to wallow all alone. This scene had me. I was convinced this was going to be the first good National Lampoon movie since Loaded Weapon 1. Like so many other National Lampoon movies, this one disappointed me. It's never again as funny as the opening, and despite flashes of awesome, it never again comes together.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Notting Hill

Say what you want about "Notting Hill." No, really, rip into it, it's awful. Is anyone really interested in watching Julia Roberts complain about being a successful actress? I like Hugh Grant as much as the next man (translated: not at all), but I have no vested interest in watching him fall in love. His quirky Britishness was appealing enough in "Four Weddings and a Funeral," but I don't need to be repeatedly convinced that a jack-ass deserves love.

There is, however, one good scene.

For Hugh and Julia's adorable first date, he brings her to his friends' house for dinner. This is the one honest scene in the movie. What would happen if you brought a movie star home with you? His sister follows her into the bathroom. His pathetic friend trips over himself trying to connect with her. After dinner, they fight for the last brownie.

The brownie scene is my favorite part. They go around the table telling their sob stories, the winner earning the brownie. One is cursed with ugly physical features and a horrible instinct for men. One is paralyzed by a car accident and just found out she can't have children. And then there's Julia. For a brief moment, I feel her pain as she talks about the tabloid pressures and the plastic surgeries that have becomet the unfortunate side-effects of stardom. But then she goes on to reveal that she knows she's a horrible actress and dreads that one day the world will discover she sucks and she'll fade into oblivion having contributed nothing real to the world.

For the rest of the movie, Hugh's adorable friends are criminally underused, probably why the rest of the movie blows.