Gimp Was So Fucking Cool

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 10/19/07]

Let me take you back to the summer of 1990, Oak Hill Day Camp. A fad is about to sweep across the grounds. One day we’re obsessed with baseball and basketball, the next day we’re in circling trying to figure out the cobra stitch. No, the fad wasn’t latent homosexuality, it was GIMP. People have been trying to get boys to sew or knit for years, and these little plastic strands held our attention all summer. And I sucked at it.

I nailed the zipper stitch fine. That was more like braiding for retarded people. With the more complicated stuff, I just went cross-eyed. While the cool kids made complex, multi-colored strands of awesome, I just sat in the corner braiding my black and white gimp. That’s right, I couldn’t even handle color.

For the slickest of the slick, gimp was a guy’s first foray into cheap gift giving. A dude has his eye on a girl from the other side of camp, so he steals some gimp from arts and crafts and boom, instant bracelet. Immediate love connection. I mean, when his bros were around, he’d whip a bombardment ball at her head, but while she was wearing his gimp bracelet, which he made with his own two hands, she knew how he really felt. It must have been for real. He used pink and red. He couldn’t have just guessed her favorite gimp colors. Could he?

God, it’s just so much fun to say. Gimp gimp gimp gimp gimp.