Unexplained List: UFL to NFL

10) McLeod Bethel-Thompson
9) Nick Novak
8) Quintin Demps

7) Josh Johnson
6) Graham Gano
5) Matt Bryant
4) Jim Fassel(‘s son)
3) Josh McCown
2) Steven Hauschka
1) Sean McVay

Unexplained List: Felix

10) Trent Lott
9) Trent Easton
8) Trent Fernandez
7) Trent from Angel One
6) Trent (filmmaker)
5) Trent Dilfer
4) Trent (Birkenstocks?)
3) Trent Lane
2) Trent Reznor
1) Trent Maddock

Dynasty Warriors

Putting aside for a moment the basic fact that the word "dynasty" in a sports context is a completely arbitrary term, the question for the moment is, "Are the Kansas City Chiefs a dynasty?" Before we dive into the question, let me forefront my bias. Not only am I a Patriots fan, but I deeply, deeply hate the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm not going to pretend this is a purely impartial analysis. As far as I'm concerned, though, it doesn't need to be impartial to be clear.

To define an NFL Dynasty, we have to look at the teams considered Dynasties. The 60s Packers, the 70s Steelers, 80s 49ers, 90s Cowboys, and the 2000-2019 Patriots. There are too many stats to compile, so let's just look at Super Bowls. The Packers won 5 Championships in 7 years, including the first two Super Bowls. The Steelers went 4-0 in six years, including two back-to-back wins. From 1981-1994, the 49ers went 5-0, under two different quarterbacks. The first four were enough for a Dynasty, but the fifth made the argument for the organization, not just special players like Joe Montana. The Cowboys went 3-0 in four years, and they did it in such dominating fashion, no one questions their dominance in such a short period of time.
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Numbers Time: Yes, THAT Sam Darnold

THINGS WE KNOW FOR SURE:

1) The Chiefs, Bills, and Texans will be the 1, 2, and 4 seeds respectively 2) The winner of the AFC North will be the 3 seed. 3) One of Broncos, Dolphins, or Bengals will be #7, the other two will be eliminated

4) The winner of Lions/Vikings will be the 1 seed 5) The loser of Lions/Vikings will be the first ever 14-3 team at #5 6) Eagles will be the 2 seed.

With that said...

THESE GAMES DON'T MATTER:

THE A.F.C. SHUFFLE

The NFL decided to settle the AFC North on Saturday. Baltimore and Pittsburgh have been here many times before, neck-and-neck with a division rival. Steelers win AND Ravens lose and Steelers win the division, otherwise Baltimore takes it. Both teams are in, though. Ravens have the tie breaker with the Chargers, so the lowest they could go is #5, but Steelers could drop to #6.

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Numbers Time: TV Scheduling At Its Finest

GAMES THAT DON'T MATTER

You'll notice all of these are AFC games. The AFC is pretty clearly set for the most part. Three of seven slots are firmly locked in place, and four teams are guaranteed a spot. The rest is housekeeping. On the NFC side, every game matters, and every division has some intrigue.

SATURDAY

Baltimore clinched the #1 slot and the bye, so the Steelers are hoping they sit their starters. Pittsburgh NEEDS to win to even have a chance at making the playoffs.

Great choice for a Saturday prime time game. The winner of this game definitely makes the playoffs, and the loser is definitely eliminated. But, the winner will have to tune in the next morning for...

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Sixty Plus

Ever wanted a list of every time an NFL team has scored more than 60 points in a game, organized by decade, but not specific to which teams played? Me too!


1920s
1920 - 66
1922 - 60
1922 - 62
1923 - 60
1930s
1934 - 64
1940s
1940 - 73
1945 - 61
1946 - 62
1946 - 66
1948 - 63
1948 - 63
1949 - 65Keep Reading >>

Unexplained List: Almond, Soy, or Oat

10) Trace McSorley III
9) Skylar Thompson
8) Baker Mayfield
7) Logan Woodside
6) Brock Purdy
5) Cooper Rush
4) Devlin Hodges
3) Blaine Gabbert
2) Brock Osweiler
1) Paxton Lynch

Unexplained List: Old GOAT

20) Tim Tebow 19) Byron Leftwich 18) AJ Feeley 17) Kyle Orton 16) Seneca Wallace 15) Blake Bortles 14) Mark Sanchez 13) Sam Bradford 12) Rex Grossman 11) Jay Cutler

10) Tony Romo 9) Ryan Fitzpatrick 8) Ben Roethlisberger 7) Andrew Luck 6) Michael Vick 5) Alex Smith 4) Carson Palmer 3) Philip Rivers 2) Eli Manning 1) Drew Brees

I Swear This Makes Sense

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Gosh, At Least They’re Not Gambling

TEAMS WITH SOLID QB SITUATIONS

49ers, Bears, Bengals, Bills, Browns, Cardinals, Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Jaguars, Patriots, Ravens 

UPDATE: Guess I was wrong.  A day after saying they were out of the Watson sweepstakes and Baker Mayfield wasn’t allowed to leave, the Browns decided to keep at least one sexual predator in the AFC North. Baker appears to still be held against his will. UPDATE 7/6: Baker is finally free!

TEAMS PROBABLY STICKING WITH THEIR STARTERS

Falcons- Matt Ryan has been the face of the franchise for 14 years, so they’re not just going to let him go. On the other hand, he’s been playing for 14 years, and the Falcons just finished 7-10. If Matty Ice was ready to retire or move on, I feel like we won’t know right up until it happens. UPDATE: Wow! Did not see that coming. Ryan's a Colt. With their awful 2021 performance, are they now in contention for a high draft pick QB? And is Marcus Mariota enough to backup the real 2022 starter, or are they actually giving him. second shot? UPDATE 4/29: If Mariota doesn't cut it, maybe third rounder Desmond Ridder will be able to somehow show letting Ryan go was actually a good idea.

Giants- If you ask anyone but the Giants organization if Danny Dimes is QB of the future, they’d probably think you were insane for even thinking he could. But the franchise that kept a shaky Eli Manning on the roster for over a decade is likely to stick it out and see if their new head coach can turn him into the kind of QB only a man who calls himself Danny Dimes could think he is. UPDATE: Jones is going to have to keep up with Tyrod Taylor if he wants to keep the job he clearly doesn’t deserve. UPDATE 4/28: Giants are not picking up Jones’s fifth-year option. Let’s see what they do in the draft today.

Jets- You’d have to be really bad at football to bail on your #2 draft pick in his second year. But this is the Jets we’re talking about, and they do hold #4 and #10 picks. Wilson is probably safe for one more year.Keep Reading >>

Numbers Time: Parity 2: Back in the Habit

This may be the most even playoff field in recent years. Five NFC teams are in a tight pack at the top, but the Wild Card teams could easily play spoilers. The AFC is so even, it’s possible only two games could separate the #1 seed and a team that gets eliminated. Only the Packers have locked in a bye, but that’s not because they’re overly dominant, they just have tie breakers over the rest of the pack. In a year this even, it’s not surprising so few games just don’t matter.


NFC: Go Forth From Fourth

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Numbers Time: Threeway Ties 2020!!!

When the new expanded playoff format was announced, people worried the #7 seed would be a team with a record so bad, they wouldn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Turns out, people were looking in the wrong place for a team that doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. But first, the games that don’t matter.

AFC’s Wild Wild Card Race

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Unexplained List: Jacksonburg Jacksons

HEAD COACH: Hue Jackson
OFFENSE: QB: Lamar Jackson RB1: Bo Jackson RB2: Steven Jackson RB3: Fred Jackson WR1: Vincent Jackson WR2: DeSean Jackson TE: Keith Jackson LT: Perry Jackson LG: Noah Jackson C: Jamaal Jackson RG: Gabe Jackson RT: Austin Jackson			DEFENSE: LDE: Tyoka Jackson NT: Malik Jackson RDE: Rich Jackson WLB: Tom Jackson LILB: D'Qwell Jackson RILB: Michael Jackson SLB: Rickey Jackson LCB: Bobby Jackson RCB: J.C. Jackson SS: Eddie Jackson FS: Chris Jackson
SPECIAL TEAMS: P: Rusty Jackson K: David Akers

Unexplained List: Pirfection

14) 2011 Packers
13) 2004 Steelers
12) 1942 Bears
11) 1967 Raiders
10) 1968 Colts
9) 1934 Bears
8) 1998 Vikings
7) 2015 Panthers
6) 1976 Raiders
5) 1962 Packers
4) 2007 Patriots
3) 1985 Bears
2) 1984 49ers
1) 1972 Dolphins

Making Sense of 2020 QBs

All he bandwidth around the league has gone to Tom Brady, but there has been a lot of quarterback movement in the offseason. After the draft, it looks like a few starters might have a run for their money. I'm writing this to help me keep track of all of it. Here’s every starting QB’s status, moving roughly from most stable to biggest cluster fuck. I'll edit this as things change.

NO CHANGE (UDFA don't count)

Lamar Jackson | Patrick Mahomes | Jimmy Garoppolo | DeShaun Watson |
Matt Ryan | Jared Goff | Kyler Murray
STARTERS WITH NEW BACKUPS (UDFA don't count)

Drew Brees  | Russell Wilson | Baker Mayfield | Matthew Stafford | Daniel Jones | Ben Roethlisberger | Drew Lock (seriously?) | Dak Prescott | Ryan Tannehill |  Kirk Cousins | Josh Allen
STARTERS ON NEW TEAMS

Tom Brady | Teddy Bridgewater | Philip Rivers | Joe Burrow | Tua Tagovailoa | Justin Herbert
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2019 QB Status Tracker

We’re only two weeks into the season, and it would seem the quarterback position has been cursed. Don’t believe me? Think it’s just an injury-prone league? Sam Darnold has Mono, and THEN his backup got injured in his first start. Nick Foles got a plumb starting gig, injured week 1. Steelers and Saints lost Future Hall of Fame starters. Fitzmagic looks like he’s about to get shipped out of town, and Mini Manning is 100% going to lose his starting job. So glad I’m not doing fantasy this year. Can thirty-two separate catastrophes befall 32 different players on 32 different teams? Only time will tell, and I’ll update this as it happens.

To clarify, this list is any incident that results in a quarterback not starting a game, even if they end up coming back.

EDIT: It’s cheating a little to include starters sat week 17, but that’s still 18 QB’s. Insane.

Andrew Luck (retired) Nick Foles (injury) Sam Darnold (Mono) Ben Roethlisberger (injury) Ryan Fitzpatrick (benched) Marcus Mariota (benched) Patrick Mahomes (injury) Joe Flacco (injury) Andy Dalton (benched) Lamar Jackson (too good) Josh Allen Tom Brady Derek Carr Baker Mayfield Philip Rivers DeShaun Watson

Drew Brees (injury) Eli Manning (benched) Cam Newton (injury) Mitch Trubisky (injury) Case Keenum (benched) Matt Ryan (injury) Matt Stafford (injury) Kirk Cousins (week 17 sit) Jimmy Garoppolo Jared Goff Kyler Murray Dak Prescott Aaron Rodgers Carson Wentz Russell Wilson Jameis Winston

Unexplained List: Goat

11) XXXI 10) XLVI 9) LIII 8) XX 7) LII 6) XXVIII 5) XXXVI 4) XXXIX 3) LI 2) XLII 1) XLIX

11) 1985 10) 1996 9) 2001 8) 2018 7) 2011 6) 2003 5) 2017 4) 2014 3) 2016 2) 2004 1) 2007

Unexplained List: Losers

10) 1969 Vikings
9) 1978 Cowboys
8) 1983 Washington
7) 2004 Eagles
6) 1990 Bills
5) 2014 Seahawks
4) 1984 Dolphins
3) 2001 Rams
2) 1968 Colts
1) 2007 Patriots

Numbers Time: Clusterfuck and/or Circle Jerk

So long Giants. It’s been nice dragging you for the last few weeks, but you have graduated from being abject losers to just plain sucking. Two wins in a row. Enjoy it while you can. Seasons like this are why I don’t swear Giants fans always bringing up those two Super Bowls (you know which two). They’re all Giants fans have. Let them have it.

My transitive property model no longer holds up. It’s now more like an irrational number of sports hierarchy. Having defeated the Cardinals, who apparently also play football, the Raiders climb to the top of the 2-8 pile. But they also lost to the Niners, making them also the bottom of the pile. So what? Now it’s Raiders > Cardinals > Niners > Raiders > Cardinals... and so on, to infinity.

Man, this series is a lot less fun without the Browns to shit on. Now, it’s like, great, the 2-8 Raiders, Cardinals, Niners, and Raiders, and Cardinals, and Niners are still in playoff contention. But of course they are. They’re only 3 games behind the #6 seeds. This is a season where the Bears, the Texans, and Washington are leading their divisions. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Florida Tuskers blinked back into existence to win a playoff seed.

Numbers Time: Giant Win, Titanic Loss

You have to give credit where credit is due. As much as I’m going to miss being able to use this space to rip on the Giants, I congratulate them on their win. Maybe the NFL should do this every year, purposefully schedule the crappy teams to play each other as sort of a minor league kind of thing. To update last week’s hierarchy of mediocrity Cardinals/Giants > Niners > Raiders.

Before the main event, let’s take a moment of silence for the Patriots worst loss since 2010. It’s karmically fitting that it be the Titans who embarrass the Pats so completely. Let us never forget the worst beating in the super bowl era, the 59-0 utter destruction the Pats laid on the Titans in 2009. Brian Hoyer also finished out that game, but for completely different reasons. The Patriots are, relatively, weak this season, and the Titans are swimming with former Patriots — Malcolm Butler, Dion Lewis, and coach Mike Vrabel — cast aside by Belichick like lame oxen. I cry every time the Patriots lose, and this weekend was particularly hard for me for personal reasons. But this was a very important game for the Titans, and I have to give credit where credit is due.

On the other hand, if you’ve ever seen the Patriots down in the first half of a game, you know no one makes adjustments like Belichick. You think a half time adjustment is something. Just wait to see what happens during a bye week after such an embarrassing loss.

And yes, this is your weekly reminder that being only 4 games behind 6th place with 7 week’s left to go, the 1-8 Oakland Raiders are still, mathematically, in playoff contention.