This Is a Blog: The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

To make this list, I looked back at the movies I gave 1 star on Netflix. I give probably 90% of movies 3 stars, and I feel sort of bad giving a movie 2 stars, so you can imagine how bad a movie needs to be to me to warrant that lowest of ratings. From that list, I narrowed it down to 18 that I thought were just bad. I was aiming for 15, but I just couldn't justify removing any of these from the list.

Heavy SPOILERS because these films are so bad, the endings simply don't matter.

Batman & Robin - The modern Batman franchise has no room for themed henchmen, especially ones on ice skates. Way to ruin Mr. Freeze, one of the most sympathetic of all Batman villains.
Blindness - The movie teeters between boring and fascinating, until the giant gang rape, resulting in the brutal murder of an old lady. The film is presented so artistically, you'd be fooled into thinking the ending would make you feel like a scene so horrific would be earned somehow. Nope.
Cellular - The career of Chris Evans needs to end. How he made this and continued working is beyond me.
Daredevil - Removing a super hero's mask is the most emasculating thing you can do to him. He's already blind; do we need to see every fucking person take his mask off too?
Dead Alive - Just not my cup of tea. I thought it was just pointlessly grotesque.
Derailed - The ending is what passes for a "twist" to dumb people. I guess I got what I should have expected from a Jennifer Aniston movie. She should go back to TV. I liked her on TV.

First Snow - I passed out watching it, and I'm not entirely sure I ever woke up.
Gigli - Do all of you even know why this movie is so awful? The movie centers around the side-kick from National Treasure playing a retarded kid. The whole movie is one giant retard joke.
Killing Zoe - From the "I wish I was Tarantino, but I'm not" collection. Yeah, Tarantino produced it, blah blah.
The Passion of the Christ - Religion aside, it was just boring and repetitive. Also, the same God that inspired Mel Gibson to make this, inspired him to do this.
The Punisher - Could they have made a cheesier film about a darker character?
Requiem for a Dream - This story did not need to be told. We get it, drugs are bad. The story was just so unnecessary, it undermines some really good filmmaking. Even worse is how film students across the country copied Aronofsky's brilliant style without bringing with it any of the substance.

Slacker Uprising - I'm a big fan of Michael Moore. This is just 2 hours of Moore masturbating all over himself, and in the end, this film about getting people to vote just reminds people that even though they voted in 2004, it didn't matter.
Star Trek: Insurrection - Once Data made a boob joke, I totally checked out.
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones - From Anakin's total lack of heroism to the non-War the entire franchise rests on, Lucas manages to undermine the mythos of his entire franchise in this one movie.
Suspicion - It's a movie about a woman who knows her husband's trying to kill her. In the end, he's not. All better. Oh also, it's really fucking boring. The light bulb in the milk thing was cool, though.
Vanilla Sky - "Tech support!!!!!" No matter how much exposition and how many allusions to rock music you give us, the plot doesn't so much not make sense as it's just really, really dumb.
The Village - Speaking of dumb twists.



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