Making Sense of 2020 QBs

All he bandwidth around the league has gone to Tom Brady, but there has been a lot of quarterback movement in the offseason. After the draft, it looks like a few starters might have a run for their money. I'm writing this to help me keep track of all of it. Here’s every starting QB’s status, moving roughly from most stable to biggest cluster fuck. I'll edit this as things change.

NO CHANGE (UDFA don't count)

Lamar Jackson | Patrick Mahomes | Jimmy Garoppolo | DeShaun Watson |
Matt Ryan | Jared Goff | Kyler Murray
STARTERS WITH NEW BACKUPS (UDFA don't count)

Drew Brees  | Russell Wilson | Baker Mayfield | Matthew Stafford | Daniel Jones | Ben Roethlisberger | Drew Lock (seriously?) | Dak Prescott | Ryan Tannehill |  Kirk Cousins | Josh Allen
STARTERS ON NEW TEAMS

Tom Brady | Teddy Bridgewater | Philip Rivers | Joe Burrow | Tua Tagovailoa | Justin Herbert
VERY LIKELY STARTERS

Gardner Minshew | Sam Darnold | Aaron Rodgers | Carson Wentz
The Jags seemed all in on Gardner Minshew-mania, so it’s almost certain they picked up sixth rounder Jake Luton to replace Nick Foles, not Minshew. But then again, it's the Jags. UPDATE: Mike Glennon is going to make Minshew work for his job. Glennon can’t carry a team, but if Minshew slacks, Glennon is a perfectly viable alternative.

Unless Sam Darnold gets Mono again, he has nothing to worry about from fourth rounder James Morgan, but then again, it’s the Jets. I guess there's always the backup with the most Jets name possible, David Fales.

I can't believe I'm even writing this. No one believes the Packers are done with Aaron Rodgers, but if they’re just picking up a successor, why spend a first round pick on Jordan Love?

Philadelphia is the most baffling. Carson Wentz has been a bit inconsistent and injury-prone, but if they’re looking for a second option, why wait until the second round to get Jalen Hurts?

FORMER STARTERS NOW JOB HUNTING

Cam Newton | Andy Dalton | Josh Rosen | Jacoby Brissett | Joe Flacco
Cam Newton is too talented to not end up somewhere, but what team is willing to go all in on his distinctive play style, injury susceptibility, and diva attitude, especially when his best years are behind him?

Talk of Andy Dalton's departure started before last season ended, so with the new star in town, he'll most likely be looking for a new job. UPDATE: Dalton’s a Cowboy backup

With the Josh Rosen experiment officially over, it's probably the safer bet for Miami to keep Ryan Fitzpatrick to mentor their new stud.

It’s not Rivers that puts Jacoby Brissett in flux as much as fourth rounder Jacob Eason. Brissett is too valuable to drop in place of an aging starter in a new system, but the Colts just told him twice he’s not their future, and next year is a contract year. Look for Brissett to make a big move next season.

Joe Flacco's career was over the moment he left Baltimore. He's going to have to take a major pay cut to go somewhere to fight with a much younger kid for a starting job. There are also about a dozen younger backups (including former starters Blake Bortles, Trevor Siemian, and Cody Kessler) who teams could pick up for a lot less. I think he will announce his retirement before the season starts, which could be in 2021... UPDATE: Flacco’s a Jet backup and Cam Newton still has no job. What?

STARTER FIGHTS

Nick Foles vs. Mitch Trubisky | Derek Carr vs. Marcus Mariota | Dwayne Haskins vs. Kyle Allen
Nick Foles is in Chicago to challenge Mitch Trubisky for his job, but as of now, it’s unclear who has the edge.

If Derek Carr was a stronger starter, he wouldn't have to worry about Marcus Mariota, but he’s not.

Washington wants you to believe they’re going all in on Dwayne Haskins, but as the backup who stepped up for their new coach last year, Kyle Allen is definitely gunning for the top spot.

WHAT IN THE EARTHLY FUCK IS GOING ON?

The New England Patriots (like, the whole organization)
You know that scene in Speed when Keanu is under the bus and he accidentally punctures the gas tank with a screwdriver? So when he gets back on the bus, Sandra Bullock asks, “We’re leaking gas?” And Keanu replies, “We are now.” And Sandy fires back, “You felt you needed another challenge or something?” That’s how it has felt watching Bill Belichick (and his dog) at the draft the last few years.

Is Jarrett Stidham secretly really really good, and they’re just hiding that from everyone? He was fine last preseason, but he doesn’t instill us post-Brady Pats fans with a ton of confidence. Brian Hoyer is a solid backup, and he helps the locker room and sidelines a lot, but he’s not the guy. Pats nabbed up a couple offensive line guys, but no one stellar. They picked up no deep threat Wide Receivers in free agency nor the draft. Can Marquise Lee suddenly run? Did Mo Sanu take those Limitless pills and suddenly became an expert on the Pats playbook? Does anyone, I mean ANYONE believe undrafted free agents J’Mar Smith or Brian Lewerke are going to be the next Warren Moon or Kurt Warner or even Tony Romo?

Of all available options, I want Jacoby Brissett to come back home. Belichick saw something in him once, and he's proven himself in Indy. No matter what the rumors say, Cam doesn't fit in the Patriot Way, at all. Andy Dalton might be a good way to get a good draft pick next year.

At least they got that kicker thing worked out...

UPDATE: Cam Newton comes to the Pats on a one-year deal.

BEST NEW QUARTERBACK NAME

Cole McDonald: Sorry, kid, you wanna be in the show, you better be okay with reporters asking to see your farm.