This Is a Blog: November was Mediocre Presidents Month

Saturday, December 20, 2008

November was Mediocre Presidents Month

This was the month all those shitty presidents were born. You know who I'm talking about, the presidents that aren't featured in any textbooks, except to talk about how much they sucked. In fact, James Polk and Warren Harding, widely considered our country's two worst leaders, were born on the same date. So here it is, with as much effort as they deserve:

James Knox Polk: So lame he, no kidding, died of diarrhea. Seriously, look it up. [editorial note: I have since done a lot of research and discovered Polk actually fucking rocked, and he's quickly rising in historian lists]

Warren Gamaliel Harding: This lame wad lost an entire set of White House china in a poker game. Okay, that's kind of cool except that he was supposed to be the president at the time.

James Abram Garfield: Garfield may have been greater had he lived more than 131 days into his administration. Little know fact (even less known than who the fuck he is or that he was shot) is that the gun shot didn't kill him, but the unsterilized instruments used to remove the bullet gave him the infection that killed him. Even cooler than that, he could write Greek with one hand while simultaneously writing Latin with the other.

Franklin Pierce: We've had two presidents named Franklin, FDR and this lame-o. Despite being so religious he said "I promise" instead of "I swear" at his inauguration, Pierce died of liver complications due to heavy drinking, and while in office he was arrested for running over a woman with his horse. Recap: Drinking okay. Aggravated assault okay. Pardoning oneself to get off a felony charge, crossing the line.

Zachary Taylor: Lamenstein here didn't do much before he died in office, but he is oddly related to all of American history. He's related to James Madison, Robert E. Lee, and FDR. His daughter married Jefferson Davis, and Abraham Lincoln gave the eulogy at his funeral. I guess you're only as cool as the friends you keep.

See you next month.

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