So Sick of Dave

[originally posted on myspace as part 1 of my "Dedicated to the Death of Dave" series]

I have what may possibly be the world's worst roommate. I've know him since college, and despite all my best efforts, I can't get rid of him. If I move, he follows me. If I try to get a new roommate, Dave still manages to move his stuff in, and drives away the new guy. He moves very quickly, so if I call the police, he's gone before they get there. No cop's going to believe my roommate moves like a ninja. Usually, I have some back-up, my other roommate, Tom. Out of our control, we've managed to take him into receivership. We tried living separately, but we've found without someone else to go through the ordeal, Dave is just unbearable. Tom's out of town on business, so I'm stuck with Dave, alone.

If he just followed me, that would be fine. In short, he's a filthy dirty racist, with no concept that other people have their own points of view. He brings home garbage he's found and goods he's stolen. The shoplifting was particularly annoying. I can't even call the police anymore for fear they'll find his stuff but not him. Oh yeah, and he cooks corn beef and cabbage in that crock pot, all damned day. The smell is putrid.

I spend probably too much of my time thinking about killing him in his sleep. I can't bring myself to do it, though. He's just so sad looking. He doesn't even have a bed. Maybe I'll wait until he gets a bed and kill him in it.

But I digress. I'm putting this out there in hopes some of you understand what I'm going through.

Fucking Dave.