This Is a Blog: Wait, I Got Elected What?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Wait, I Got Elected What?

Part 4 of 12: Taylor to Buchanan

Twenty years later, the bickering between Jackson and Clay had run its course. At a time when the country was becoming more and more divided, we needed a leader with great vision to bring us together and resolve the great issues of the time. We didn't as much get one.

Zachary Taylor (general, Whig) 1849-1850 (died) VP: Millard Fillmore; FL: wife Margaret

After 3 failed tries at the White House, the Whigs abandoned Henry Clay and turned to another Jackson-like General. Taylor ate something at a 4th of July celebration that most likely led to his death (poison or diarrhea, your call). To kick Henry Clay just one more time, the Democrats tore apart his compromise over slavery in the west.

Millard Fillmore (VP, Whig) 1850-1853 (never elected) VP: none; FL: wife Abigail

Clay’s failed compromise turned into The Compromise of 1850, supported by none of the Whigs in Congress. Putting aside how this was just another attempt to not deal with slavery, it was a final insult to Clay that he and his Whig Party completely lost control under this useless Whig President. And with that, the Whig Party died, and Henry Clay retired. Again.

Franklin Pierce (NH State Leg., Democrat) 1853-1857 (just 1 term) VP: William R. King (died); FL: wife Jane

By this point, the Democratic Party was so un-Jackson that Van Buren pulled the cool people out. The 1852 Convention was so deadlocked, they had to toss in Blandy McPierce just to get some sort of consensus. Right before his inauguration, he watched his son die in a horrible train wreck, and while in office, his wife died. As you can guess, he didn’t do much, except appoint Jefferson Davis Secretary of War, and drink heavily.

James Buchanan (Ambassador, Democrat) 1857-1861 (just 1 term) VP: John Breckinridge; FL: (he was probably gay)

This guy just looks like a douche. While trying to memorize the presidents in second grade, I just called him "dick weed." He got elected because he was in Britain while the government fucked up the slavery issue. He seriously didn’t think the divide between the North and South was that big a deal, probably because he was in Britain while the government fucked up the slavery issue. This effete idiot was icing on the cake of this era of Presidential uselessness.

Next Up – Lincoln to Hayes: Commanders in Beards

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