This Is a Blog: The World Needs More... (part 1)

Friday, September 4, 2009

The World Needs More... (part 1)

Sports Teams with Names That Aren't Plurals
(Orlando Magic, Oklahoma City Thunder, Minnesota Wild, Tampa Bay Lightning)

Plural team names imply the coming of many together under one banner. Who needs teamwork anyway? Any dumb football or baseball team can just take a thing and pluralize it. Washington Redskins, that's just a bunch of dudes deciding they want to be racists. If I were a professional athlete, I'd want to play under the banner of an abstract concept, like magic, or a really loud bang. Which would you rather play a game of hockey against, Senators or Lightning?

Non-Horror Movies with 3+ Sequels

(Die Hard, Superman, Fast/Furious, Star Wars)

Horror movies have really nailed filmmaking. Just create a really good character and have him do the same thing in a bunch of different situations, like putting him in space. Just imagine the end of Godfather 4, so many people would die in a sweet montage. The Matrix hit a snag with 2 and 3, redeem yourselves, Wachowskis, by making 3 more movies, just to let us in on more of that sweet mythology. The X-Men took a last stand, but I think they have a few more stands in them. Die Hard 4 rocked. Superman 4 and 5, amazing. Why stop there? Spin offs galore. I want to know Anton Chigurgh's back story, don't you?

Watery Beers
(Tecate, Natural Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Keystone Light)

Tecate must be the best beer of all time. They sell it in 30 packs because it takes about thirty before you start tasting the beer. It's great because you can have a beverage that barely qualifies as alcohol, but you can feel cool because you're "getting drunk." Can you feel the buzz? I can. Even better than Tecate? That's right, Tecate Light.

(Pat's, Cheers, New Angle)

Bars recently have started adding things like those little touch screen game dealies or karaoke to get us to hang out there. Why? Do we really need an excuse to buy drink after drink of cheap alcohol that we can pick up at a Ralph's for half the price? Bars may be the ultimate business model. They don't waste electricity on lighting, they only need about 3 servers/bartenders no matter how big the crowd gets, and they get tons of word of mouth. As an added bonus, bars are the perfect place to find quality ladies. I met my girlfriend at a bar.


(Your Mom, Keith Olberman, Atheists, Alanis)

Honest emotional communication is fucking hard. It's much easier to hide behind jokes. This way I can bitch and moan and insult and complain without having to take any real responsibility for it. Even harder than sarcasm is seeing the positive side of people where they're all such idiots and assholes. Once I figure out the definition of irony, I'm going to dedicate myself to replacing all honest artistic expression with it.

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