Losers in Brief: The Roaring Fuck Up

(part 8 of 12)

Since 1789, 112 men have won at least one electoral vote. Of that group, 65 never became President or Vice President. Of them, 30 were a bunch of ambitious losers who tried for the most powerful office in the country and failed. The other 35, you’ll have to read to find out. These are their stories.

John William Davis (Former Ambassador / Former Solicitor General, Democrat-WV) Lost to Coolidge-1924

Unlike the shallow minded commander-in-chief, Davis was a well-read, intelligent man who modeled his life after his idol, Thomas Jefferson. He wanted to be like Jefferson in every way, except for bedding slaves and writing about the smell of black people (click here, search for the word "glands"). Calvin Coolidge was famous for being quiet and stone-faced. When the original front runner, Al Smith, tried to take him on, the Democrats decided he was too radical. They needed someone who could out-Coolidge Coolidge. Davis was the only man in the country as well respected and as boring as the president.

So why’d he lose? Robert La Follette. See below.

Alfred Emanuel “Al” Smith (Governor, Democrat-NY) Lost to Hoover-1928

When bland failed, the Democrats woke up, went ahead, and ran the guy clearly far and away most qualified and progressive. Hoover was the poster child for the rich and privileged, but Smith was a guy from the hood who taught himself to be New York’s foremost expert in economics and policy. He was such a big deal that even today, right before presidential election, both candidates dress up in ridiculous white bow-ties and put on a stand-up routine at the Al Smith Dinner to raise money for his charity.

So why’d he lose? He was Catholic. Remember, before Barack Obama, Jack Kennedy was considered a diversity hire. It may seem ridiculous today with everything being post-racial and all, but in the Roaring ‘20s, the KKK were influential in HIS party. Since this all happened before the market crash, everyone thought Hoover’s policy of not giving a crap would continue to work just fine. Smith probably wouldn’t have prevented the crash, but he would have done SOMETHING.

ONE MORE BIG LOSER:

Senator Robert Marion La Follette (13 votes-1924)- Imagine Ralph Nader, but he actually accomplished something instead of just standing for something. This Progressive Party candidate spent his time in the Senate working for the people, but he was way too radical to be president. Besides, third party candidates never win in America. All he did was take votes away from Davis, who may not have done things La Follette’s way, but he’d have done better than Coolidge.