My 2016 Internet Resolutions For You

This is a list of stuff I want to go away in 2016. I'm probably guilty of all of these too, but it's you guys that are pissing me off.

1) Spoilers

No one HAS to post on social media about movies or TV. It may be your right, but this isn't why American soldiers bled for you. Being spoiler-conscious is not a burden. It's called being polite. No one likes to be told they're being thoughtless, especially if they don't think they are. But get over yourself. You are.


2) Unabashed Spoiler Shaming 

"Oh my God, Game of Thrones" is NOT A SPOILER. Stop being a jerk. "Oh my God, I can't believe they poisoned Joffrey at his wedding" is a spoiler. Say something if it's the latter, don't if it's the former, and if you're not sure DON'T SAY ANYTHING. You are capable of fuming in private without posting it on the internet.

3) Spoiler Jokes

SPOILER ALERT: Yoda has a three way with Leia and Dooku. That wasn't fucking funny. Not only is it not funny, it's super fucking jerky. What you're really saying is (a) I saw Star Wars and you didn't; I'm so fucking cool and (b) you're such a whiny ass for caring about spoilers.

4) Jokes About How Above "Sports Games" You Are

Guess what, hipster? The stuff you care about is dumb too. You know why EVERYONE is posting about football? Because it's fucking exciting. The Super Bowl, The World Series, The NBA Championship, The Stanley Cup Finals, World Cup Soccer, these are events beloved by millions of people, and you're not above any of us. It's a thing you don't like, nothing more. But God forbid you feel left out. Sick of seeing people posting about football? Scroll past it.

5) Jokes About How Above [whatever's popular that week] You Are

Here's my dirty, little secret: I think "Mad Men" looks boring, and I will never watch it. You know why it's a secret? Because it's not something I ever say out loud, except to people I know agree with me (or like right now, to make a point). Why? Because people seem to really like it, and I don't want to ruin it for them. The people I can see on social media are theoretically my "friends," so I can't imagine why I would want to ruin their enjoyment of something. I realize it sucks to feel left out. Star Wars is obnoxiously everywhere, and I can imagine if you never saw the appeal of Star Wars, that would be grating. But lashing out accomplishes nothing. You should be above trying to take the popular kids down a notch. Can you even appreciate the nerdiest thing to ever exist is now the popular kid?

6) Comments That Start With "To Be Fair..."

Yeah, I know that. I considered that. But you know what? I've decided to be unfair in my statement. "To be fair" comes with an assumption the original poster is too dumb to consider the "nuance" you bring. The news has to be fair and balanced. I don't.

7) The "Argument" That Includes "Not All _____"

#notallmen #alllivesmatter Recently, an article went around about women editors. Women editors were rightly incensed. One comment said (paraphrasing) "To be fair, the author didn't say it was all women editors." Wow dude are you missing the fucking point. If you say "Jews control the media," that's racist. It's not less racist because you didn't say "ALL Jews control ALL media." If a woman says she can't go to a bar without guys harassing her, it doesn't fucking matter that all men aren't like that. What matters is she feels unsafe. And we get that all lives matter, but the fact that it seems to police officers that black lives don't matter is a fucking problem. And yes, not ALL police officers, but that's fucking implied, you asshole. Whose side are you on? Are you in favor of police officers killing black men? No? Then why are you making the argument more complicated?

8) The War on Christmas

Hi. I'm not Christian. Considering we live in a secular society, it's really annoying how many Christian things are treated like the default. That will never go away. We do live in a society where the majority are Christian. However, I really appreciate tiny gestures that make me feel included in the holiday season. That seems a very Christian thing to do, whether you're an Evangelist who wants me to feel the warm glow of Christ's spirit in the holiday, or you're just a large-hearted person who can't bear to see people left out. It's true some people are annoying about "Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas," but don't let them sour the spirit, any more than you'd want me to hate all Christians because of the Westboro Baptist Church. "Happy Holidays" is a warm, giving, all inclusive greeting, and it does not take Christmas away from you to say it. There is no War on Christmas, and if you feel there is, it's probably because you're a terrible Christian.

9) I'm leaving this slot open because I'm sure there will be more.